


Dragon Age (Season 6)

by Nudeviking



Series: Dragon Age [7]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-12 13:43:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The misadventures of Lydia Trevelyn & Friends...and also Cole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dragon Age - S06E01 - Cole Miners

“Tonight for the first time in Inquisition history we present unto you, the trial fans, a double main event! First, coming to the throne room, accompanied by several Inquisition guardsmen, weighing in at 175 pounds, he’s fighting out of Davint…Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag!” Josephine shouted to an electrified audience of trial fans. Lydia tried hard not to yawn. The puffy shirt enthusiast continued, “Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag stands accused of a litany of crimes so numerous that even the most enthusiastic trial fan would tire long before I could finish listing them all so I’ll give you the highlights if that is acceptable Inquisitor.”  
  
“That will be fine Josephine,” Lydia said.  
  
“Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag has declared himself an ally to Coprophilia and thus is an enemy of the Inquisition. He, assisted his quote unquote master in coercing Grey Wardens into committing blood magic to raise an army of demons. He attempted to kill you personally, and he has not washed his hair in at least a fortnight. I can continue with the lesser offenses if you so desire Lady Inquisitor.”  
  
Lydia shook her head, “That won’t be necessary Josephine.” She turned her gaze upon Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag and declared, “Dude, you done goofed. This is seriously an easier decision to make than whether or not to save Hawke or Stroud from that Bullshit Fade we fell into because of you. Your head and my sword are going to have a meet cute, you dig?”  
  
“You don’t have the authority to do that! Besides even if you do, Paradise shall await me in the next life! I shall be bestowed 72 virgins and once Coprophilia kicks the shit out of you he’ll bring me back to life!” Lord Sleazy bin Suckbag shouted. The Inquisition guardsmen dragged him away to be executed slightly later and as they lead him away the greasy Davinter suckbag shouted, “Coprophilia rules!!!”  
  
Lydia gave him the double deuce and shouted, “Fuck you man! Fuck you and that stupid man without a face looking motherfucker you call Master!”  
  
“Yes, well, moving on…” Josephine said as the Davinter suckbag was hauled away, piss streaming down his leg as freely as the profanities streamed from his mouth, “Our second biiiiiiiig main event is a Grey Warden named Sir Ruth. She fights out of Orleans, and comes to us at a lean fighting weight of 110 pounds…Sir Ruth requested this trial for herself after admitting to cutting the throat of another warden during that blood magic jam session at Adamant. She requests death by beheading.”  
  
“Death by beheading? Hasn’t there been enough of that already today? Sir Ruth, you were pretty much brainwashed when you cut that dude’s throat. I don’t really want to punish you for that.”  
  
“Please my lady, I can’t live with myself for what I’ve done. Give me death and let it serve as an example that we Wardens need to be held accountable for what we do!” Sir Ruth pleaded.  
  
“Sir Ruth, you have not, in my eyes, committed a crime that I will punish you for, but you are a Warden who wishes to die and for that there is a solution. I sentence you to fight it out in the Deep Roads. Make your death mean something. Maybe team up with an adorable female dwarven rogue who is the last member of a platoon of Legion of the Dead or something. Who knows, maybe you and her will fall in love and inspire countless fanfiction tales of romance about your adventures within the Deep Roads. Maybe they’ll make a movie of it…When Ruth Met Sigrun…there will be a scene where one of you pretends to have an orgasm in an eatery and an elderly lady tells the proprietor, ‘I’ll have what she’s having,’ and everyone will laugh. It will be great! But anyway, yeah…you? To the Deep Roads you go!”  
  
“But that’s not an ending that teaches a lesson…it’s just an ending,” Ruth said sounding somewhat disappointed that her head was not going to get cut off.  
  
“Thems the breaks Ruth,” Lydia said, “Anyway I think we’re all done here aren’t we?”  
  
“Yes Lady Inquisitor,” Josephine replied.  
  
“Great, I’ve got some shit to do. Court is dismissed!” Lydia said and quickly stood and ran out of the Skyhold Dream Castle, across the courtyard and into the bar. Up the stairs she head and into Sara’s room. Lydia had scarcely had a free minute since returning from Adamant to speak to Sara. She greeted Sara with a cheerful, “Hi you!” but instead of Sara embracing her, the elf took a swing at Lydia’s face with an astrolabe.  
  
“What the hell was that for?!” Lydia asked angrily.  
  
“Shut up and listen yeah? Never again yeah? Everyone’s talking like it made sense…demons and visions and shit, but the Fade’s not real! And I saw nothing…nothing. They were like little empty things. Like there’s nothing in the dark. Stupid right, like that shouldn’t be scary…like it was. You and Hawke with your spiders yeah? I’d take spiders. You’re scared of spiders right? All of them? Even the little ones?”  
  
“Yes, even the little ones.”  
  
“That’s gotta be rough then yeah, cuz the little ones are like everywhere. There’s probably a couple crawling around in here right now with their hairy eyeballs and shit…that’s probably not helping is it? Anyway it’s stupid to think about…this imaginary bullshit when real people died…probably. Stroud yeah? Lost a serious mustache there. And in trade a bunch of busted Wardens and they’re always weird right? Usually bad stuff happens and you’re glad when a hero shows up but the Wardens yeah? They’ve got it ass backwards. They’re a good thing that means a bad thing is about to happen. Like in Denerim…when the Blight ended.”  
  
“A lot happened in Denerim. What do you remember?”  
  
“People talked a lot about this one warden…Odette something or other. There was some big fight and she died…or maybe she didn’t. I dunno.  
  
“Odette Corvette? The Hero of Feldspar? Leliana’s lover? You forgot about the Hero of Feldspar?”  
  
“That was like a million years ago yeah? I was just a little kid, playing with painted boxes and hiding stuff that I stole. I remember more people cringing about magic shit than about the Blight. Wardens were an excuse for your stuff to go missing is all. Blackwall’s alright though…not at all like the Adamant ones. We need more like him yeah?”  
  
“I suppose so. Anyway, I’m sorry I scared you Sara. I didn’t like going into the Fade either. I promise I won’t go in there again willingly.”  
  
“That’s alright I suppose. You wanna go out on my roof then yeah?” Sara asked, “I made some cookies right? I mean like I literally baked cookies. This isn’t me being cute and clever and talking about cookies when really I mean ‘Fancy a shag?’ or anything.”  
  
“Sure Sara, let’s go on the roof and eat cookies and make rude comments about the people we see below.”  
  
**Commercial Break!**  
  
Sara and Lydia sat on the roof eating cookies. “These are getting pretty good yeah?” Sara asked, “I mean at least there’s none of that raisin shite in these ones.”  
  
“They really are,” Lydia replied, “You’ve done a great job on them Sara.” Down in the courtyard Lydia saw a disgruntled looking Solas powerwalking away from Cole. “I told you no Cole!” the baldheaded racist piece of shit elf shouted.  
  
“You think I can nail Baldo in the face with a cookie from way back here yeah?” Sara asked.  
  
Lydia smiled at Sara, but before she could reply, Cole had thrown himself on the ground and began kicking his legs and flailing his arms, like a toddler having a temper tantrum. “PLEEEEEASE SOLAS!!! YOU HAVE TO BIND ME!!!! YOU LIKE DEMONS AT LEAST!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!”  
  
Lydia sighed. “I should go see what this shit is about. Please don’t throw anything at me while I’m down there.” She lowered herself down of the roof into the courtyard and took three steps before a cookie landed in the dirt next to her. She looked up at the roof to see Sara with a shit-eating grin plastered upon her face. “I’m not even sorry yeah?” she yelled down with a smile.  
  
Lydia laughed and walked over to where Cole was flailing about shrieking about how Solas had to bind him. “What the shit is going on here?” Lydia asked.  
  
Cole stopped flailing about like an oversized scarecrow toddler and was like, “Solas is being mean to me. I asked him so nicely to bind me but he wouldn’t do it!”  
  
“You want him to bind you? But why?” Lydia asked incredulously.  
  
Cole wiped the tears from his eyes and stopped sobbing. “I don’t want to end up like those demons at Adamant. Solas is a good man, so if he binds me then some other creepy mage can’t do it.” He looked at Solas, and again, with tears in his eyes began to wail, “PLEEEEEEASE BIND ME SOLAS! YOU HAVE TO! YOU JUST HAVE TO!” Cole threw himself on the ground again and began flailing about.  
  
Lydia looked at Solas and asked, “Is there maybe some other way we could prevent him from getting bound by a creepy blood mage without having you or Dorian bind him yourselves?”  
  
“Well the Riverrat demoncallers had amulets that they would give their spirits and demons to prevent rivals from attempting to bind them. If we could locate such an amulet then perhaps we could use it on Cole and allow him to be protected against binding while not actually having anyone bind him here,” Solas said, “The only problem is such amulets are incredibly difficult to come by.”  
  
“Dude, you forget I’m the goddamn Inquisitor. I’ve got all sorts of resources that an apostate like you could only dream of. I bet I’ll have one of those amulets before this episode is over,” Lydia said.  
  
“You’re on.”  
  
Lydia excused herself made her way into the Skyhold Dream Castle, past the scores of trial fans still milling about talking about how “badass” the double main event was to her war room. Cullen and Josephine were playing Warhammer but both looked up as Lydia stormed in and shouted, “We need some kind of Riverrat Demoncaller necklace thing so Cole will stop being a stupid baby about Solas binding him and I can go back up on the roof and kiss Sara and eat cookies! And Cullen, that’s actual cookies, not some weird lesbian sex thing that you don’t understand.”  
  
“Why was that little tidbit about the cookies directed at me specifically?” Cullen asked.  
  
“Because Josie and Leliana would have already known that,” Lydia said, “Anyway can you get that necklace thing?”  
  
“I know some Riverrats! They aren’t spiritcallers but they are jewelry collectors! I’m certain they will have an amulet of the sort that you seek in the collection!” Josephine said excitedly, “I’ll contact them and see about borrowing it.”  
  
“Thanks Josie!” Lydia said, “You can come eat cookies with us on the roof any time! Smell ya later dudes!”  
  
**Commercial Break!**  
  
Lydia sat on the roof looking out upon the courtyard. Sara’s head was in her lap. Not like that you pervert, she was just laying with her head in Lydia’s lap. God, get your mind out of the gutter! “They all look like ants down there yeah?” Sara said, “’Cept that puffy one. Far too puffy to be an ant right?”  
  
The puffy ant stopped at the base of the brew pub and looked up at Lydia, revealing itself to be in fact, not an ant in a puffy shirt, but rather, Josephine...in a puffy shirt.  “Ah Lady Inquisitor, there you are! A package arrived this morning from Riverratia including, among other things, the necklace you requested for that petulant child, Cole.” Josephine tossed the necklace up into the air, but it came back down and landed a foot in front of her. Again she attempted to throw the necklace up onto the roof for Lydia and again she failed. “I’ll get it up there this time!” Josephine said and tossed the necklace straight up into the air once more.  
  
Sara sighed, “You better just go down and get it from her yeah?”  
  
Lydia agreed and lowered herself off the roof and snatched the necklace out of the air the next time Josephine attempted to throw it. “I’m going to go give this to Cole now,” she said and headed into the Dream Castle. Cole and Solas were in Solas’ lair. The spiritdemonboy was once again begging Solas to bind him. “PLEEEEEEEASE SOLAS! I’LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE BIND ME!”  
  
“Cole!” Lydia shouted, “I got this necklace for you. You won’t need to be bound if this works right Solas?”  
  
“Uhh…that’s right. Let me just shoot some wizard shit at it to activate it and Cole should be protected from scumbag bloodmages who try to bind him,” Solas said. Solas said some wizard words…words like “Abra abra cadabra…I wanna reach out and grab ya!” and the like and shot a blast of wizard shit at Cole’s necklace. Cole fell on the ground and slowly stood up.  
  
Cole rubbed his bum and stood up. “Aw…it didn’t work! There’s some blockage out that way. I need to clear it out and then try again!”  
  
Solas looked annoyed, “No Cole. If it didn’t work it wasn’t meant to be. You are a spirit and thus should not risk not being a spirit anymore with this stupidity.” At precisely that moment Varric the Dwarf appeared, “Dude I know you like spirits or whatever, but Cole’s not really a spirit. The kid is way too human for that. We should go see what’s causing this blockage and help him fix it regardless of what it does to him.”  
  
Lydia shrugged. “It’s up to Cole. Dude if you want to go do this, let me know and we’ll help you.”  
  
“Alright. There! Redcliff parentheses E parentheses...a man…a jackass…so much pain…hungry…dog statue…hat worse than mine…doing a bump…” Cole stopped talked and headed to towards the door, “I’m going to Redcliffe and you three are coming with me.”  
  
\---  
Several days later, they arrived in Redcliffe and saw a dude with a stupid hat trying to score some lyrium. Cole pretty much freaked the fuck out, “YOU KILLED ME!!” The guy with the stupid hat hauled ass and Lydia asked Cole what the fuck he was on about. “That guy was a Templar…pain…I was a mage…Cole…so hungry…they locked me in the tower…forgot about me…want to help…need to help.”  
  
“Oh Cole you can’t get revenge on that guy!” Solas said, “You are a spirit…that is not the way of spirits.”  
  
“Fuck that noise kid! Revenge the shit out of that douchelord!” Varric shouted back.  
  
“Lydia what should I do?” Cole asked.  
  
“I’m with Varric. If you don’t stab the shit out of that douchebag, I will,” Lydia said. Solas scowled at her disapprovingly as Cole ran off.  
  
Varric was like, “Yo I got this,” and headed off with Cole. Varric trotted off after Cole leaving Lydia alone with an angry Solas.  
  
“I don’t know why you must always challenge me this way. First you and Sara. Just thinking of you two…together like that…it makes me sick. Yuck! And then you brought the Wardens into the Inquisition. Fuck those guys. And now this with Cole?! He will change you know. Perhaps he will no longer be a true spirit when all this is done. What is to become of him then?” Solas spat angrily.  
  
“The same thing that’s become of him now,” Lydia replied, “He’ll stay with us in the Inquisition and help us as he can. He has friends there, people who care about him. Varric seems to at least, and umm…well pretty much just you and Varric, but that’s at least one, possibly two people who care about him. I say possibly two because you seem to be pissed off that maybe he won’t be a spirit anymore, so who knows. Maybe after he gets his revenge and turns into a real boy, Sara won’t hate him so much. Maybe I won’t. Who knows?”  
  
_TWANG!_ A shot from Bianca rang out and a moment later Varric and Cole returned to the big dog statue. “Let’s go back home,” Varric said.  
  
\---  
Several days later Lydia and Varric and Solas were having breakfast together in the New Improved Monks Diner when Cole appeared. He looked hella distraught. “Hi guys. I’m a real boy now, but I feel like shit. When does it stop hurting?”  
  
“Cole, it takes time, but talking with friends helps,” Lydia said, not even looking up from her coffee.  
  
Varric sighed and stood up, “Come on kid, let’s go for a walk and talk it out.”  
  
“Good job with breaking Cole,” Solas said sarcastically and he too stood up and walked away.  
  
What had she done? She had turned an annoying creepy guy with a stupid hat with magical powers into an annoying emo guy with a stupid hat no magical powers. Was this a victory or not? It certainly didn’t feel like one. She had learned one thing though and that was that sooner rather than later things with Solas were going to come to a head. Lydia was pretty sure the Inquisition would survive the eventual showdown, but worried how Cole would take it when she and Solas finally came to blows. She smiled. Was she actually worried about how Cole would feel after she beat the shit out of that racist piece of shit, Solas? Maybe she had started to take a liking to the annoying creep after all.


	2. Dragon Age - S06E02 - Because Every Show Needs a Party Episode...

Ghastly moaning reverberated through the Deep Roads as a stream of darkspawn shambled through the doorway into the chamber.  They were unrelenting; a typhoon of unwashed flesh, teeth and claws crashing down upon her, yet Ser Ruth stood her ground.  Sweat pour down her face, causing her dark hair to cling to her brow, but Ser Ruth dared not stop to wipe the stinging sweat from her eyes or brush away the hair that obstructed her view.  This was her punishment for slaying one of her own in a vile blood magic ritual.  She deserved her fate here in the Deep Roads.  
  
She cut down another shriek, oblivious to the exhaustion in her sword arm.  Again and again she struck, swinging her mighty war sword and severing the heads of two or three of the abominations at a time.  He blade danced a deadly dance, cutting down each darkspawn who came at her.  Ser Ruth spun and twirled, evading arrows and axeblows as she slashed and stabbed the fiends who assailed her.  And then there was silence save for her own heavy breathing.  She looked about and to her surprise the chamber was filled with naught but slain darkspawn.  Ser Ruth wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand.  She would not rest long, there was work yet to be done.  Darkspawn yet to be slain.  
  
She stepped through the doorway into the corridor and there she saw it: a BBW titty demon, its tentacles flailing wildly and it numerous bosoms heaving.  Ser Ruth had heard tales of BBW titty demons from the dwarves she'd encountered in the Deep Roads.  While parties of heavily armored Wardens and Legion of the Dead working in concert had slain the foul fiends, what chance did she, a lone Warden, have against such a monstrous foe?  It mattered little.  This was her penance.  Ser Ruth took up her sword and with a cry of, "For Thedas!" charged at the BBW titty demon, striking a critical blow on the monster.  The creature howled in agony and grabbed Ser Ruth by the leg with a slimy tentacle and tossed the Warden against the wall of the tunnel.  Ser Ruth felt something break and the nothing.  No pain, no agony.  No feeling at all below her head.  She knew she would soon die, but smiled, or tried to smile, knowing that the wound she had inflicted on the BBW titty demon had been a life ending one.  It would surely die, though it would be a slow agonizing death, and again, Ser Ruth attempted to smile.  Her own death would come much more swiftly.  
  
The BBW titty demon howled in rage.  Ser Ruth prayed that Andraste would forgive her transgressions as the heavy weight of a tentacle crashed down upon her.  
  
 **Opening Credits**  
 ****  
  
Lydia sat in the New & Improved Monks Diner next to Josephine and across from Cullen and Leliana. She'd decided that a change of venue would do her war council some good and had changed their regularly scheduled meeting for a lunch meeting instead. Perhaps a new venue would cause people to think outside the box or whatever sort of management buzzwords people were bandying about these days.  
  
  
"So what's the good word people?" Lydia asked as she cut up the flapjack stack heaped high on her plate, "Did beating up a bunch of demons and Templars at Fort Adamant cause us to win this war or what?"  
  
"Unfortunately, Lady Inquisitor, it did not," Leliana said as she sipped tea, "Do you recall when you and Dorian had a zany time travel misadventure and learned of a plot against Selena, Queen of Tejano music?"  
  
"Yeah kind of, mostly I just remember you and Sara and Cassandra all looking like zombies and sounding like they were talking into one of those dollar store echo mics, and people having red lyrium growing out of their vaginas to be totally honest," Lydia replied, "That stuff sticks with a person a lot more than 'hypothetical political machinations against a Tejano songstress.'"  
  
  
  
  
 _"I looooooove yooooooou Buuuuuucklesssss...buuuuuut noooooot yeeeeeet reeeeally beeeeecause weeeee didn't staaaaart huuuuuumping until afteeeeeer thiiiiis yeeeeeeah?"_  
  
"Um okay..." Leliana replied.  She paused a moment to sip daintily of her cup of tea before continuing, "Anyway, there's a ball being held in the Winter Palace.  A ball cum peace conference.  It seems a likely place for Coprophilia's assassins to strike.  Josephine's secured invitations for us so we should get ready to depart for the Winter Palace after breakfast."  
  
"Peace talks?  With whom?  Coprophilia?" Lydia asked, her mouth full of pancakes.  
  
Cullen sighed, "Don't you pay attention to the news at all?  There's a civil war in Orleans.  Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, and her cousin, Gaston, Duke of Douches, have been having a war over who is the rightful ruler of Orleans.  That's what the peace talks are about.  Coprophilia?!  Really now!"  
  
"There's also a wildcard of sort," Leliana said, "An elf by the name of Briala.  She and Selena have something of a history together...one that could prove rather ruinous to Selena's political career if it proved to be true.  Briala has amassed a rather extensive network of spies and agents to say nothing of proper soldiers, and there are rumblings that she may be making a play for the throne while Selena and Gaston duke it out."  
  
"A history together?  Ooooooh!  Like Sara and I?" Lydia replied, "I thought the Orleansians were cool with all sorts of humping.  At least that's what we heard in the Free Marches."  
  
"It's all very well and good for some lesser nobleman or noblewoman to take an elf as a courtesan, but Selena is the Queen of Tejano Music," Leliana explained, "and thus there are certain things that she should not do.  Or at least not without a certain amount of discretion."  
  
"Okay, then I guess we have to go to this ball, stop Gaston from murdering Selena, and maybe stop an elf lady from also murdering her, otherwise Coprophilia will throw Orleans into chaos and we won't win the day," Lydia said, "I'll go pack.  I think I have a ball gown that I wore to my cousin's bat mitzvah last year that should still fit.  I'll have to find something for Sara to wear though.  Leliana, you're about her size.  Do you have anything she could borrow...preferably something you don't really need back, since I guarantee she'll spill something on it, or barf on it, or she and I will hump on it...either way you won't want it back."  
  
"Um...you won't need a gown Lady Inquisitor," Josephine replied, "I've taken the liberty of having formal wear tailored for us.  If we want the Inquisition to be taken seriously I believe it crucial to present a unified image, and what better way to do that than but uniforms!"  
  
Josephine took a dry cleaning bag from the chair next to her and opened it revealing a rather ludicrous uniform that looked not unlike the sort that the bards of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club were known to wear.  A loud red military jacket with ludicrous epaulets and sashes.  Lydia smirked, "Have you shown these to Lady Vivian yet?"  
  
  
 _Nice!_  
  
"No, not yet," Josephine replied, "Why do you ask?"  
  
"No reason.  I'm sure she will love them."  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
"I cannot believe you talked me into wearing such ludicrous garb to court!" Vivian said as they entered the gardens of the Winter Palace.  "I am quite certain that we will be the laughingstock of all Val Royal for years to come."  
  
"It cannot possibly be that bad here," Josephine replied.  
  
"No, it can Josie..." Leliana replied, "Five years ago the Lady Dubois wore a white gown to a gala held a week after Labor Day.  She was laughed out of the ballroom and has yet to receive another invitation to any official function.  The Great Game is very serious.  People here take note of everything you say, do, and wear, as well as what you don't say, don't do, and don't wear.  Lydia, you, among us all, must be exceedingly cautious since all eyes will be upon you."  
  
Before Lydia could reply "I'll be careful!" leading to a situation in which she hoped someone would reply, "You'll be dead!" like the scene in Star Wars, a musclebound oaf in a stupid mask appeared before her and took her hand and kissed it.  "Ahhh Lady Inquisitor, it is so good to finally meet you.  I am Gaston, Duke of Douches, and rightful heir to the throne of Orleans.  It is good of you to come.  Perhaps we could enter the ballroom together non?  Imagine the stir it would cause, the quote unquote usurper to the throne and the Inquisitor arriving together."  
  
"No.  I'd rather walk in with my girlfriend and my crew," Lydia replied, "I'm pretty sure you're up to no good anyway."  
  
Gaston stormed off with his minion and began to sing the MRA theme song...  
  
  
  
Lydia wandered about the garden a few moments and found a lady's ring for her and stole some stuff before heading into the palace proper.  A dorky herald in a stupid mask was like, "My lady, we shall announce you momentarily, right after the Duke of Douches, Gaston, is introduced."  
  
At that moment the Duke appeared and was like, "Oh we're actually together.  You can introduce us together."  
  
The dorky herald nodded, "Very well my lord," and then in a voice most official declared, "I present the Duke of Douches, Gaston!  And accompanying him, Lady Inquisitor Lydia Trevelyn!  Hero of the Battle of Fort Adamant and Herald of Blessed Andraste herself and her companions!  The Lady Cassandra Esmeralda Contessa Chiquita Vanessa Maria Georgina..."  
  
"Oh for God's sake, just get on with it!" Cassandra shouted.  
  
"Uh...the Lady Penderghast of Navara!" the herald continued, "The Lady Vivian, First Enchanter of the Circle of Val Royal and Court Mage of the Imperial Family of Orleans!  And the Duchess Mai Balsitch of Karse!"  
  
Sara elbowed Lydia in the ribs, "That's a good one innit Buckles?"  
  
"One of your better ones yes, though I've always been partial to Velissisima Ladyparts von Knucklefronts."  
  
The party stopped before the Queen of Tejano Music, Selena.  "Greetings Inquisitor!  It is an honor to have you here in the Winter Palace!  Already word of your heroic exploits have spread to Orleans and I look forward to speaking with you at greater lengths this evening.  I am afraid I must first attend to the peace talks, so in the meanwhile, please enjoy the ball!"  
  
The Queen of Tejano Music bowed deeply and headed off to some sort of peace talks while Lydia went to find her crew.  Leliana was all like, "Again I remind you to be careful as you proceed.  Everything you do will change how the court looks upon you.  When you talk be mindful not to be too forward and be careful with who you are seen talking to...or dancing with."  
  
"Dancing?  I thought I'd just dance with Sara."  
  
"Yeah, dancing?  No...I don't really do that Buckles."  
  
"Really?  I thought you'd be good at dancing.  You're pretty flexible and light on your toes..."  
  
Leliana sighed, "I think we're getting off topic just a little.  You need to go investigate and find out who's involved in this plot to kill the Queen of Tejano Music.  Go snoop around the Palace, but remember, if you are away from the ballroom too long people will start to talk...badly."  
  
Lydia wasn't entirely sure she liked this new court approval mechanic, but agreed to go snoop about while her companions remained in the ballroom chatting people up.   Leliana and Josephine and Vivian all seemed to be loving the court intrigue bullshit while Cullen and Cassandra just wanted to fight foemens, Sara meanwhile, waited for "the real party" to begin.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
Lydia scaled a trellis from the gardens to the upper levels of the Winter Palace.  Something sinister was most definitely afoot.  Already she'd heard rumors of mercenary companies and Davinter assassins lurking about in the palace, but she'd yet to find evidence of either, and there were rumors of some disappearances in the servants' quarters but she'd not been able to find a way to access them as the doors were locked and all the servants were firmly in Briala's camp and thus not particularly keen on helping Lydia investigate their boss' schemes.  
  
As she crept along the balcony she noticed something, there on the tiles.  Blood.  A goddamn trail of it with an overlarge blue pawprint on it.  Finally a clue!  
  
  
 _A clue!_  
  
Lydia followed the blood to some sort of balcony storage room where she found a body of a dead ambassador or something and some forged notes implicated Gaston and Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, in some sort of scheme.  It looked like Briala was up to some sort of shit...or maybe it was Gaston trying to make it look like Briala was up to some shit.  As she pocketed the notes a bell chimed.  It was time for the dance party.  Lydia scampered down the trellis again and through the garden.  A second bell chimed.  Now she was fashionably late.  The courtiers would love it.  
  
She moved to open the door to the ballroom when a voice from behind her called out, "Ah Lady Inquisitor you've had a busy night already and the ball has scarcely begun."  Lydia turn to see a nobly bosomed goth woman come down the stairs.  The studio audience lost their goddamn minds and the woman gave a knowing smirk.  The woman continued, "I am named Sideboob and I am Selena, Queen of Tejano Music's occult adviser.  I believe you and I could be allies of a sort.  You seek to uncover the parties responsible for the plot against the Queen do you not?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Then perhaps this may be of some use to you.  A key, taken from the body of a Davinter assassin I slew moments ago.  As I must return to the Queen for her safety I haven't time to investigate this matter myself, but believe you may," Sideboob said, handing Lydia a key.  
  
Lydia was certain that the key would unlock the servants quarters and reveal more secrets about the plot against Selena, Queen of Tejano Music.  She thanked the woman and pocketed the key.  
  
"One more thing Inquisitor, I would be wary of who you trust in the hours to come.  Everyone in that room has something to hide and even those you consider allies may actually be against you," Sideboob declared, "For now I bid you adieu.  I am certain you and I shall speak again at length later."  She then turned and walked away down the hall.  
  
Lydia entered the ballroom, fashionably late, and all eyes were upon her, including Gaston, Duke of Douches', sister, Florence.  Florence was a handsome woman with an undercut that rivaled Krem's epic undercut.  "Lady Inquisitor, I would be most honored if you would perhaps dance with me," she said as Lydia entered the room.  
  
"Um...I'm spoken for."  
  
"That elf non?  You can assure her I have no designs on you.  I am quite certain she will not mind sharing you for but one dance!  Come!  I shall not take no for an answer!"  
  
"You really don't know Sara..." Lydia said, but true to her word Florence did not take "No," for an answer and dragged Lydia onto the dance floor.  The orchestra began to play a lively waltz and Lydia began to dance and twirl with the stately woman.  
  
"I am surprised you are interested in the war in Orleans Lady Inquisitor," Florence said and she twirled Lydia.  
  
"The whole world cares about what happens in Orleans."  
  
Florence laughed, a half-hearted attempt at seeming coquettish, and said, "That is true.  I must warn you to be careful of who you trust, Lady Inquisitor, particularly my brother.  He is something of an imbecile non?  To bring mercenaries into the Winter Palace...tres tres stupid."  
  
"It is what it is," Lydia replied as they danced.  She could not believe the evidence this woman was revealing about her brother.  This was perfect.  She'd be able to move against Gaston with the greatest of ease as soon as the dance was done.  The music swelled to a crescendo and in a moment of bravado, Lydia dipped the much larger woman with the epic undercut and threw up one arm in a victory pose.  There was thunderous applause from the gathered ballers and shot callers.  
  
When the applause finally died down, Florence bowed slightly and said, "Thank you for the dance Lady Inquisitor.  Remember, be mindful of who you trust," and with that she walked off to join some other masked Frenchmen.  
  
Josephine, Leliana and Cullen all rushed over to congratulate her and ask what Florence had said, but Lydia looked past them trying to find Sara.  She hoped Sara would understand why she'd danced with the giantess with a stupid mask and an elite undercut.  She figured she would need Sara before the night was over and didn't want her to be pissed off at her.  
  
 **To Be Continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Director's Commentary: I think I mixed up some of the order that stuff happened here, but that's what happens when I play some level that's not a straight forward A to B to C thing with an entrance and and exit and a boss you have to kill standing before the exit.  Anyway it doesn't really matter since it flows better this way anyway.  As for this level/quest/whatever, I got legit shook when Morrigan showed up.  I'd heard rumors about Hawke coming back so I wasn't super surprised when she showed up, but Morrigan?  I had no damn idea.  So when she appeared and was all "Tis twas" my jaw hit the floor, and moreover, the get up she appeared in?  Totally the clothes Leliana wanted to dress her up in in some Dragon Age: Origins banter that made Morrigan uncomfortable about Leliana looking at her boobs.  It was pretty much grand.


	3. Dragon Age - S06E03 - …And Some Shows Need A Party Where Demons Are Battled

“I can’t believe you danced with that Duchess lady yeah?” Sara shouted her voice echoing through the vestibule, “I should have known better right? I mean she’s human, you’re human…you’re both highborn. Makes sense yeah? Sure you’ll have a few tumbles with a knife-ear but when it comes down to it you’ll always pick some highborn noble arse. I thought you were different yeah? I think the thing that makes me the most angry is that she wasn’t even that pretty yeah? I mean if you’re dumping me to go hump some noble shit, you should at least dump me for someone with a nice arse…not some goon with a Kremcut in a silk frock!”  
  
“Sara, please calm down. I’m not dumping you! I didn’t even want to dance with that lady, alright? She pretty much just dragged me onto the dance floor and started dropping information about the plot against the Empress as soon as we hit the floor. That’s the only reason that I even danced with her at all,” Lydia replied.  
  
“That just makes it worse! You know how much you sound like Vivian or Leliana right now don’t you yeah? ‘I was just playing the Great Game love…surely some exceptions must be made for the Great Game. It is what we live for. Toodle-pip.’ It’s a bunch of shite if you ask me.”  
  
“I’m sorry Sara, I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you upset. I like you…a lot. I pretty much hate all this political bullshit too to be honest. I just want to save the Empress and stop this stupid war if I can, so the people people can stop getting killed in a stupid civil war,” Lydia replied.  
  
Sara smiled somewhat, “You did it for the people people yeah? Maybe I was wrong about you Buckles. And the Empress is kinda pretty yeah, so if we gotta save some noble prat’s arse it might as well be the nicest arse.”  
  
“I’m glad you said that because I need your help. There’s something fishy going on in the servant quarters that I need to look into.”  
  
“Alright Buckles, I’ll come with you, but promise me you’re not going to dance with anyone else…like ever…or turn into one of those noble nobles yeah?”  
  
Lydia smiled and pointed towards the ballroom and said, “If I ever do start acting like those idiots in there I want you to hit me alright?”  
  
“It’s a deal Buckles! Now let’s go investigate shenanigans in the servants’ quarters!”  
  
Lydia and Sara headed into the restroom and changed out of their Sgt. Peppers uniforms and into the armor they had hidden in the stall and took up their weapons, “Just in case,” and headed towards the servants’ quarters. The halls of the Winter Palace were more or less silent, save for the sound of their footfall upon the tiles, and the occasion salacious tidbit whispered by anonymous parties hidden amongst the shadows. Lydia removed the key Sideboob had given her and inserted it into the lock. Slowly she turned the key and there was soon a satisfying click as the lock unlocked. Lydia pushed the door open and together she and Sara entered the quarters.  
  
Almost instantly, the metallic smell of blood assailed their noses, and a moment later they saw the bodies. Maids, footmen, cooks, and manservants, had been slaughtered wholesale. “Christ!” Sara exclaimed as she stared at the heap of wreckage, “They’re all dead! What threat could a cook have possibly posed?”  
  
“They could run and warn someone.”  
  
“Christ what a waste! How many countless people dead because one rich, powerful git doesn’t want another rich and powerful git to be richer or more powerful than them!” Sara spat, “Come on, let’s go find who did this so I can stick about a dozen arrows up their arses…sideways.”  
  
She and Lydia made their way through the servant quarters. More bodies were ruined all over the place. It was disgusting. They made their way out into the garden only to discover yet another corpse. This one, however, was not a cook or a footman or a farrie, but rather a diplomat or Congressman or something, and his death, unlike the haphazard slaughter of the kitchen staff was the work of a skilled assassin, though one not skilled enough to take the murder weapon with them away from the scene of the crime. The dagger, it’s blade still wet with blood, bore the crest of Gaston, Duke of Douches.  
  
“It’s that Gaston douchbag’s knife,” Lydia said.  
  
“How can you tell that yeah?” Sara asked.  
  
“It’s got his crest on it,” Lydia replied.  
  
“Is this more noble shite?” Sara asked.  
  
“Yes, it’s more noble shit. When I was a small girl my parents made me learn all the crests and mottos of the noble families in Thedas. I recognize this one as Gaston’s,” Lydia said, “So we have pretty much all the evidence we need to make a big scene and get Gaston thrown in the slammer or whatever it is that happens to guys who attempt to assassinate the Queen of Tejano Music.”  
  
“Yeah maybe, but what if it’s not really his knife yeah? What if someone else used his knife to kill this guy so everyone thinks that Duke Douchepants did it?” Sara suggested, “I mean it’s one of the ways the Jennys have used to set noble prats up. Not saying it’s what happened here, but you might want something a little more concrete than, ‘We found your knife yeah?’”  
  
Before Lydia could reply there was a scream. Lydia turned to see a goddamn harlequin cut a woman down and then vanish in a puff of smoke like a goddamn ninja as a heap of Davinter suckbags appeared. The Davinters seeing Lydia and Sara standing near the body of the Congressman or diplomat or peer mediator or whatever gave battle cries and rushed forward, ready to wreck house on the two young lovers. Lydia hoisted her chopper deluxe and rushed forward towards the screaming Davinter suckbags as Sara unleashed a volley of arrows. The arrows fell, piercing various vital organs, eyeballs and jolly sacks of the screaming Davinter warriors, causing their battle cries to transform into cries of “Ow my balls!” Lydia chopped them down into a heap of body chunks.  
  
But Lydia and Sara had no chance to savor their victory over the Davinter suckbags for from up on a balcony the harlequin appeared in a puff of smoke and motioned obscenely to his crotch and bellowed, “SUCK IT!” Neither Lydia nor Sara was willing to let such uncouth and vulgar act pass and as neither one of them could do ninja smoke and appear up on the balcony, they thus set off trying to find a more traditional way up. As they ran through a garden and apartments they were attacked by even more Davinter suckbags. More arrows and axes were shot and swung and the suckbags were transformed from scowling, battle-ready badasses, into a heap of dead and dying jerkoffs.  
  
  
 _Suck it!_  
  
Sara and Lydia continued wrecking house on all the Davinter suckbags until they finally made their way into an empty apartment, and came face to face with the crotch chopping harlequin. Before the blood covered couple could wreck house on the stupid clown ninja, a knife flew through the air and caught the rude clown in the face. His head exploded: a mess of brains and guts and the headless body collapsed on the ground in the heap. Lydia turned to see an elf lady with a really stupid mask standing behind them. “Well met Lady Inquisitor, my name is Briala. I am the ambassador for the Danish elves of France and I figured that that douchebag, Gaston, would try some shit tonight, but Davinters?! Truly the man has gone too far. Many of my people perished tonight, but you have my thanks for meting out justice on the suckbags who wrecked house on my folk. I believe you will wish to return to Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, and inform her of her cousin’s treachery. My people and I shall make certain no more Davinters still remain hidden within these gardens.”  
  
“Okay, sounds good,” Lydia said and started towards the door, “By the way did you and Selena, Queen of Tejano Music…you know…play grabass at the pass with one another?”  
  
“She is the Queen of all Tejano Music and I am but an elf…” Briala said, “Of course we did, but that was a long time ago, and I am quite certain that Queen Selena was always somewhat ashamed of what she did with me. She would never allow us to be seen together and when the rumors began to circulate that she and I were lovers, she discarded me as quickly as she would a pair of slippers from last season. I have heard that you too have taken an elven paramour Lady Inquisitor. I beseech you, on behalf of my people, that you treat her better than the Queen of Tejano Music treated me.”  
  
“She does yeah?” Sara said with a grin, “Don’t ya Buckles?”  
  
“I try Sara.”  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
Lydia, Sara, Cassandra, Cullen, Vivian, Leliana and Josephine stood in the vestibule outside the ballroom. Lydia and Sara had regaled them with the tale of what had happened in the ballroom. Everyone was like, “Woah that’s pretty damning evidence!” when Lydia explained about the knife and the harlequin that yelled “SUCK IT!” but Leliana was somewhat skeptical. “You should probably look into the rumors of the mercenary band that Gsaton hired,” she said, “We’re only going to get one chance at this and if we fuck it up, Coprophilia will take advantage and throw Orleans into chaos.”  
  
“Alright ladies, you feel like sneaking about and trying to find a mercenary crew?” Lydia asked.  
  
“Oh god yes!” Cassandra shouted, “Can I take this stupid coat off and put on my armor again?”  
  
“This ball is rather dull,” Vivian declared, “Perhaps being away from court so long has caused me to lose interest in the Great Game.”  
  
Sara smirked, “You know I’ll come yeah?”  
  
“Good!” Leliana exclaimed, “But be careful. We know there are Davinter suckbags lurking about and this mercenary crew might prove to be a challenge if they outnumber you by a lot.”  
  
Lydia nodded and then she and her crew set off to search out the hidden party of mercenaries that Gaston was going to use to kill Selena, Queen of Tejano Music. They first traveled to Gaston’s office where they found receipts for one crew of Feldsparian mercs. They next traveled to the royal wing where they found an elven spy snooping around and saved her from another harlequin. The spy informed Lydia that the room they were in belonged to Gaston’s sister, Florence, the giantess with the elite undercut. Lydia paused. “Wait a second…Florence would have had a knife with that crest too…and this is her room…and she was the one who told me about the mercenaries to begin with…I think we’re being played like chumps! Come on! We gotta go find Florence.”  
  
As the party made their way into the hall to return to the ballroom and confront Florence they heard a dude, Feldsparian by his accent, cry out for help. “HAAAAALP! THERE’S DEMONS AND SHIT!” he cried.  
  
The party followed the sound of the screaming Feldsparian’s voice and found themselves in a courtyard. A neon green sky rip pulsated in the sky before them and from up on a balcony, Florence laughed haughtily. “Hon hon hon…it seems you have discovered my plot. It is true that my brother sought the throne of Orleans, but he was always somewhat limited in his vision. While he could be satisfied with Orleans, I wanted the world! So I set him up, and set the elf up and set Selena up so they would fight and hopefully kill each other so my lord, the Godking Coprophilia could seize control of the universe allowing me to rule Thedas in his name! It’s a perfect plan and now that I’ve revealed it all to you, it’s time for you to die. Archers do your shit!”  
  
Florence left the balcony and approximately 10 archers fired arrows at Lydia from five feet away. Each of them missed. Sara then shot a single arrow that pieced each of the ten archers through the heart, killing them instantly. “That’s how you shoot a bow, yeah?” she said, but her gloating was short lived since a heap of demons were barfed out of the neon green sky rip. FIGHT IT OUT! Lydia and her friends wrecked house on the demons pretty quickly. They’d become something of a joke since Lydia started shooting up lyrium and could blast them with Templar beams. With the demons slaughtered and the neon green sky rip closed Lydia untied the mercenary.  
  
“Oi that French fuck hired me to fight some guards, but I didn’t sign up for this demon shit,” the mercenary said.  
  
“How’d you like to work for me instead? No demons…or at least no unexpected demons,” Lydia replied.  
  
“Sure thing boss!” the mercenary said and then added, “I’ll see you at the Dream Castle then yeah?”  
  
“Yup,” Lydia shot back, “Now ladies, we’ve got an assassination attempt to foil! C’mon!”  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
Lydia stormed into the ballroom shouting, “Florence you two-timing piece of shit! Queen Selena, this piece of human garbage has arranged to have you killed so that that asshole who looks like Mel Gibson in The Mang Without a Face can take over your country and allow her to rule. She totally had a shit ton of Davinter assassins and has been scheming to get you dead. We have heaps of evidence about this to present to you should you require it.”  
  
Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, was all like, “Nah, she’s always been kind of a bitch. Guards take her away! Inquisitor what shall we do with her?”  
  
“Let her live I suppose. She’s not a wizard or anything so if we jail her or something she’s not really a threat,” Lydia said.  
  
“Of course. The court thanks you for your service.”  
  
“Queen Selena, that’s not all! That Gaston dude is also plotting to kill you. He hired a mercenary crew. We have the captain ready to testify. We also found his knife at the scene of a crime in which a Congressman or diplomat or something was murdered. There were also a heap of dead housekeepers but that might have been his sister’s doing. Either way Gaston wanted you dead, and I’m not cool with that. My girlfriend apparently kind of likes looking at your ass, so it’s that ass I’m saving today.”  
  
“Gaston?! You plotted to kill me?! Off with his head!” Selena bellowed. Before Lydia could be like, “Yo wait a second I want to try him and give him an ironic punishment,” halberds flashed like a flasher watching Flashdance on basic cable and soon Gaston’s stupid head was rolling across the floor. Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, smiled and was like, “The civil war is over thanks to Lady Lydia Trevelyn and her Inquisition! Huzzah! Now let’s really party!”  
  
The party was pretty rad. There was booze, and a DJ, but Lydia wasn’t really feeling it. Too many people wanted to high five her and get her autograph and shit, and so she slipped out on to a balcony to get some air. A moment later, the goth woman with the elegant bosom, Sideboob, came sauntering out on to the balcony. “They drink in your honor and yet here you are…alone on a balcony,” she said.  
  
“I just needed some air. That’s all,” Lydia said, “I should thank you for helping me earlier.”  
  
“’Twas my pleasure,” the bosomy apostate replied, “You kept Queen Selena safe and because of this the nation of Orleans allies itself with the Inquisition, and I, by her order, will be dispatched to the Inquisition as the official court liaison.”  
  
“Then I welcome you and look forward to working with you,” Lydia replied.  
  
“And I you,” Sideboob replied, “It seems you have others who wish to speak with you, and so I shall take my leave. I will speak with you at length when you return to the Skyhold Dream Castle. Until then Lady Inquisitor.” Sideboob bowed and sauntered away.  
  
Lydia turned to see Sara, still dressed like a member of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, walking towards her. “Buckles! What are you doing out here! The real party’s finally started yeah? You should see Josie right? Her and her sister are both drunk as skunks yeah? Her sister’s all making out with Cullen and shite and Josie’s just like ‘It’s hotter than an Antivan summer in here yeah?’ and trying to take off her pants. It’s bloody brilliant yeah!”  
  
“I just needed some air.”  
  
“You alright Buckles?”  
  
“Yeah I’m fine...” Lydia replied, “Sara, dance with me.”  
  
“I…don’t…I..you be careful or I’ll stomp your pinky!”  
  
“Is that innuendo?”  
  
“No, it’s up the front!”


	4. Dragon Age - S06E04 - A Tiny Town In Orleans

_My Dear Lydia,  
  
I am aware that it has been quite some time since I last wrote, but word of your deeds at the Winter Palace of Orleans has reached our ears here in Ostwick. We are quite pleased that the Trevelyn name is now one that carries with it some weight outside of the Free Marches. For this you should be most proud. For far too long the Court of Orleans has looked upon the noble houses of the Free Marches less than favorably but due to your heroic actions in saving Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, from an assassin’s blade, we expect that to soon change. That being said, I have heard rather disturbing news out of Orleans as well, regarding you and a certain elf girl hailing from the alienage of Denerim.   
  
Really Lydia, why must you continue to act so defiantly? Have you father and I not suffered enough embarrassment because of you and your dalliances already? I have heard from more than one reliable source that during the ball held to honor the peace in Orleans that you, yourself, helped secure, a certain lesser lord, a Marquis de Sade, asked for a dance, but you declined in a rather public manner by declaring you were already spoken for and then presented the aforementioned elven girl as your paramour. While I would like to believe that perhaps you merely used an elven handmaiden as an excuse to avoid dancing with the Marquis (I have heard rather troubling tales about the fellow and am sure that at least some of those stories would have reached your ears as well) the same sources who revealed to me the manner in which you treated with the Marquis also made mention of seeing you and this elf girl engaging in rather uncouth and unladylike behavior together upon a balcony. They would not elaborate as to what precisely these uncouth and unladylike behaviors entailed, undoubtedly to save my poor heart the grief that would come from knowing what sort of scandalous deeds my own daughter partook in with a lowly elf girl from some Dog Lord’s alienage.  
  
Again I beg of you to reconsider your current course of actions. Undoubtedly by now your Inquisition will have grown to such a size that even lords of some import will have taken notice of you and your deeds. Would not your life be vastly improved by taking such a gentleman as a husband? I am quite well aware that you are something of a sentimentalist and the silly, poetic notion of “love” seems to be somewhat important to you and thus, to be quite forthright, I would not even be against you marrying a guard captain or successful merchant out of “love” at this point should the gentleman in question be of at least a moderate disposition. Should you require assistance in selecting a husband, I have enclosed a list of gentleman who have written us, asking after you that we have already taken the liberty of vetting. It is my hope that you will consider at least one of them.  
  
Yours in Andraste,  
Lady Trevelyn  
_  
Lydia folded the letter and put it down on the table before her and wiped away the tears that misted her eyes with the back of her hand. Leliana handed her a handkerchief and said, “It does get easier after a time. I know it is hard to believe that right now, but it does.” Lydia had not noticed the former bard of Orleans enter her office. Lydia wondered for a moment how Leliana had known the contents of the letter but then recalled that she was the master of spies and thus probably read everyone’s letters.  
  
“Did your mother disapprove when you started dating women too?” Lydia asked.  
  
Leliana made a face and said, “Um…my mother died when I was a small girl, so no, not really. I had a guardian though and she…was pretty much an old lesbian…so she didn’t really mind when I brought girls home either…maybe you should talk to Hawke about this instead. Besides she’s got the whole ‘dating an elf’ thing too. I don’t really know anything about that.”  
  
“No, Hawke will probably just tell me that the solution to my problem is to let her hump Sara while I hump her girlfriend.”  
  
“That does sound like Hawke. That girl can’t get enough elven vagina,” Leilana replied, “Oh I know! You should do something to take your mind off that letter! You could come with me! I got a letter too, though mine is slightly less emotionally scaring than yours. It’s from the Divine Justine.”  
  
Lydia gave her a confused look and said, “Um…isn’t she dead?”  
  
“Oh quite. The letter was written months or perhaps even years ago and sealed, only to be delivered to me in the event of her untimely demise,” Leliana replied, “Anyway she left something for me in a small abbey in Orleans. Perhaps accompanying there would provide you with some solace, or at the very least take your mind off how shitty you Mom’s being.”  
  
“Alright. Let’s go then.”  
  
 **Commercial Break!  
**  
The small abbey in a tiny town somewhere in Orleans was rather quaint and peaceful and did provide Lydia with some measure of solace. “It hasn't changed at all.  It’s exactly like I remember it,” Leliana said as she and Lydia entered the quaint, little abbey somewhere in Orleans, off the beaten path, far from the tourist hubs and centers of commerce.  
  
“You’ve been here before then?”  
  
“Yes, some years ago, after the Blight ended, my beloved Odette and I came here to visit Divine Justine, though at the time she was still just Jenny from the Block.”  
  
As they walked through the abbey a nun suddenly appeared and whisper-shouted, “Oh Leliana it is so good to see you again! I am so sorry for you lose. I know you and Divine Justine were fairly close. What brings you to this tiny town somewhere in Orleans?”  
  
“Actually Divine Justine left something for me, but she’s hidden it here, and there’s a puzzle…as is her way. Lady Inquisitor, perhaps you could solve this puzzle while I speak with Sister Lysette here. Her clues are listed here on this paper, and should be pretty easy to find as they will be clearly marked by a large blue paw print from a Mabahri warhound.”  
  
“Lady Inquisitor?!” Lysette shouted in surprise, “You brought the Lady Inquisitor here?! I am dreadfully sorry I did not recognize you Lady Inquisitor. The illustrations that reach us here in this tiny town in Orleans do not do justice to your actual beauty.”  
  
“Nah it’s cool,” Lydia replied, “I wish more people didn’t recognize me. Then maybe people wouldn’t talk shit about me to my mom behind my back for dancing with a girl and later kissing that same girl…and now I’m getting all depressed again. I’m going to go look for blue clues. It was nice meeting you Siste Lysette.”  
  
Lydia strolled about the abbey looking for paw prints on paintings and pushing buttons under the paintings that bore such a mark and generally feeling sorry for herself. Why couldn’t she have been an orphan like Leliana…or Sara…or Odette Corvette, Hero of Feldspar…or Beezus Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall…or whatever Beezus’ girlfriend’s name was…Merrill something or other? Was she the only lesbian in all of Thedas who wasn’t an orphan and thus had to deal with shitty parents? After she returned to the Skyhold Dream Castle, she’d have to get drunk with Dorian and commiserate over being queer nobility with shitty parents…again.  
  
Lydia sighed and pressed the final button emblazoned with a giant blue paw print causing a secret door to swing open revealing a table with a small lacquered box upon it. She turned to shout, “Leliana I think I found your thing,” but before she could get the words out she saw Leliana with a knife to the throat of the Chantry sister.  
  
  
 _A clue!_  
  
“Jesus Christ!  Leliana, what is going on here?!” Lydia shouted.  
  
“She’s a spy or assassin or something working for Mother Frank out in the bristlepatch. They hate the Inquisition and hated Divine Justine. If we don’t stop her now there will be trouble later! She’ll run back to Mother Frank and tell her everything!” Leliana spat venomously like a goddamn snake or possibly snakeperson, like Serpentor from GI Joe.  
  
“She’s just one person…and this Mother Frank is just one person. We don’t need to worry about them. We’re a goddamn Inquisition. Let her go,” Lydia said, “Let’s see what Justine left for you alright?”  
  
“Okay,” she said and lowered her knife. Sister Lysette ran off muttering to herself, “That bitch is crazy!”  
  
Leliana went into the top secret puzzle alcove and looked at the box with disappointment. “It’s empty.”  
  
“Maybe it’s another puzzle!” Lydia offered.  
  
“No wait, there’s something carved into the lid. ‘I set you free,’” Leliana read, “For many years I did the Divine’s dirty work. When she wanted someone iced it was my conscious that paid the price, and now she's firing me?”  
  
“Maybe that’s what spiritdemonghost Justine meant in the Fade when she told me to tell you she’d failed you.”  
  
“Maybe your right, but maybe it’s the best way to get results.”  
  
“I don’t think so. I mean yeah sometimes we need to wreck house or chop someone’s dick off because he sent a couple of fabulous queer nobles into the worst future ever, but we should never let that kind of stuff define us. We should always remember that there are other ways to deal with shit that don’t involve slashing a nun’s throat in an otherwise empty cathedral like a scene out of some goddamn John Woo gangster movie.”  
  
“Thank you for reminding me of that Lydia. You are sometimes wise beyond your years. Come, let us return to Skyhold.”  
  
Together she and Lydia made their way from the tiny town in Orleans back to the Skyhold Dream Castle. On their way back Leliana told Lydia the story of how she and the Hero of Feldspar got together and why the Hero was not part of the Inquisition. “I’m certain you have heard from the Wardens in our Inquisition of the Calling no? This is a fact of life for Wardens, and yet there are Wardens who have avoided this Calling. Fiona is one. There was a zany wizard dude who could do it with magic too. Anyway, Odette heard rumor of a possible cure for the Calling in the West and set off to seek this cure out.”  
  
“Aren’t you sad without her? I mean we’ve only been gone a couple days and I already miss Sara.”  
  
“Of course. I miss her terribly, but she and I can write each other. And when I become very sad I remind myself that her quest is as much for me as it is for her, for should she succeed…then she and I will be able to open a bed and breakfast and grow old together without one of us feeling some perverse desire to go into the Deep Roads and wreck house on a bunch of darkspawn.”  
  
“That’s honestly kind of beautiful,” Lydia said, “I hope I can have that kind of relationship some day.”  
  
“I think you might already. Sara is not a particularly trusting or forthcoming young woman, and yet she trusts you and is more open with you than anyone else in the Inquisition. She, by her own admission hates and is afraid of magic, but accompanied you into the Fade and faced down countless Davinter suckbags. And you, in spite your parents’ disapproval, the disapproval of some of your peers, and the disapproval of society in general stand beside her.”  
  
 **Commercial Break!  
**  
The trip back to Skyhold had been long and tiring, but Lydia headed straight for Sara’s apartment above the brew pub rather that back to her own quarters. How had it gotten to the point where if she did not see Sara for a week she felt this alone? She ran past the bard and Krem up the stairs to her apartment and shouted, “Sara I’m back from my trip!” but Sara did not seem overly pleased.  
  
“You. Shite. I don’t want to see you. Get away yeah?” she shouted and then ran off.  
  
“Sara wait. What’s wrong?”  
  
“You died. I had a dream and you were dead in it. I don’t wanna see that kind of shite again yeah…you being dead I mean.”  
  
“But it was just a dream.”  
  
“Maybe before yeah, but now with Coprophilia and shit, dreams aren’t just dreams. They mean something yeah…stuff I don’t want to think about yeah, but that’s hard because I want to think about you yeah? You don’t act like nobles. I love that. You don’t hide from shit. I love that. And you’re the humanist human there is and I still love that. I mean I’m trying to do good and learn life lessons and shit but it’s just getting scarier and scarier yeah?”  
  
“Sara you said love a lot there.”  
  
“So what yeah? Going to tell me what I really want now Lady Smartypants? So what, I love you yeah? You’re special…so are Divines and Wardens…yeah but they still die and shit.”  
  
“Sara it’s because I love you that all these motherfuckers who step to us better watch out, because it’s you and me against everything else…unless of course you’re not up to it.”  
  
Sara leaped into Lydia’s arms, knocking to the floor of the brew pub. There was a clatter as she fell into a table, sending tankards of ale and pewter plates crashing to the floor. Someone yelled from over at the bar, “You’re paying for that!” but Lydia paid them no mind as she and Sara kissed. She did not know how long they kissed, but she was certain she did not want it to end.  
  
\---  
  
Lydia was drunk as was Sara. They were the only two left in the bar. Even Bull and Krem had left hours earlier. “We gotta space out our fights and making up a little bit better yeah? To love….the fucking best thing ever.” Sara said, her voice dripping with booze.  
  
“To fucking love…” Lydia said and she and Sara slugged back their drinks, “Soooooo….you wanna get married?”  
  
 _SPIT TAKE!_  
  



	5. Dragon Age - S06E05 - Tom Riddle

It was a splendid spring day in the Skyhold Dream Castle. The birds were chirping in the garden and young love was in the air. Everywhere she went Lydia could see mages making out with Grey Wardens and Templars attempting to act as if they had not moments before been furiously fingerbanging Orleansians.  
  
“Look at ‘im yeah,” Sara said, “trying to act all prim and proper like he didn’t just have his fingers all up in her ladybits. I bet he wasn’t even doing it right yeah?  Did he just sniff his finger?  Oh he did dinnit he?  Oh oh!  Oh shit! Is that Dorian and Bull? When did those two hook up? I mean we slept in a tent next to theirs out in the Hinterlands a bunch of times and I never heard anything.  I mean Dorian, sure, he’s a proper Davinter lord or whatever he probably contemplates landholdings or whatever you noble types think about while humping, but Bull?   Shite.  Doubt he’s quiet while having a tumble.”  
  
“Neither are you Sara which is probably why you never heard them.  Those two have been humping for awhile now.”  
  
“Listen to you Lady Trevelyn…so sassy,” Sara said, “I like it when you’re sassy.”  
  
Lydia smiled and was about to ask, “So, your room or mine?” when she caught sight of the Warden Blackwall sitting on a barrel with his head in his hands. “Wait a second is that Blackwall over there? Is he…is he crying?” Lydia asked, “Should we see what’s wrong?”  
  
“Look if you want to go talk to a crying man with a beard about feelings or whatever that’s fine yeah, but you can count me out. I learned my lesson the last time I tried that yeah?” Sara said, “If you get tired hearing about how good things were back before the Fifth Blight or whatever, I’ll be up in my room cataloging the stuff in my cabinet yeah? Smell ya later love.”  
  
“Smell ya later Sara.”  
  
Sara skipped off singing some raunchy ditty about smallclothes as Lydia approached the Warden and “Sup Blackwall?”  
  
The fellow wiped the tears from his eyes with his beard and declared, “God, I need a drink. You feel like having a drink with your coolass pal Blackwall?”  
  
“I suppose so…this isn’t about Josephine is it? Because if it is there’s not really a whole hell of a lot I can tell you other than not to play cards with her.”  
  
“No it’s not about Josie…” Blackwall sniveled, “Come on, let’s get drunk and I’ll tell you all about my problem.”  
  
 **Commercial Break  
**  
Lydia stared into her drink and absentmindedly made a popping noise with her mouth. She glanced back at where Krem and Sara were playing darts. Her eyes met Sara and the elf pointed and laughed before elbowing Krem in the ribs. Krem started laughing as well. Laughed at by her girlfriend…and Krem.  
  
“So you said you wanted to get drunk and talk about some kind of problem…” Lydia said, “We’re both pretty drunk now, so….” She glanced back at Sara who was rolling about on the floor pointing and laughing. She and Krem had been joined by Bull and Danish and a couple other Chargers whose names Lydia didn’t actually know. Lydia mouthed the words, “I hate you all.”  
  
“When I was a boy there were some hobos who hung out near my father’s house. Couple of scrawny guys…not much older than me. Anyway one day those hobos caught a dog, maybe puppy’s a better term. Chubby little thing they trapped in a bowl as a joke. Anyway they took the poor little guy and strung him up and started beating him with sticks. Do you know what I did?”  
  
  
 _A hobo trap!_  
  
“Um..shouted ‘Girl power!’ and did a high kick that knocked both dudes out with a single kick?“ Lydia asked as she picked apart her booze moistened cardstock beer coaster.  
  
“I did nothing! I ran into my father’s house, closed the door, and did nothing. I could hear the bowl pup crying as those two dickstranglers hit it with sticks and I did nothing. I didn’t fight them…I didn’t even get a grownup to deal with it. Nothing…”  
  
“By your own admission you were just a kid. What does a kid know about vigilante justice?”  
  
“I should have done something…” Blackwall sobbed, "You don't know how cute that pup was!"  
  
“Look mang, you’re a good dude now. Christ, you’re one of the best dudes there are. You’re a goddamn Grey Warden…fucking out there in the deep…our last hope against a Blight. There’s no need to beat yourself up over some shit that happened when you nine years old.”  
  
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am a good man. Thank you for listening to me,” Blackwall said glumly in a voice that was glum, “Why don’t you go find Sara? I think I’d like to be alone for awhile.”  
  
"Alright," Lydia said, "But dude for reals if you need to talk about this shit, you know where to find me alright?"  
  
Blackwall nodded and knocked back his drink and said "You've been a good friend Lydia," before he got up and stumbled out of the brew pub.  
  
Lydia shrugged and walked over to join Sara and the Chargers.  Bull thrust a pewter mug into her hand as she greeted them.  "What am I drinking?!" Lydia asked as she took the mug from him.  
  
"Garbolg's Backcountry Reserve!" the shirtless Qunari growled, "That shit will put a little more chest on your chest!  DRINK!"  
  
Lydia slugged the booze and coughed, "Holy shit...you weren't kidding."  
  
 **Commercial Break**  
  
Light shone through the gap where the drapes had not been pulled completely together.  Lydia's head was pounding, she looked around trying to remember where she was.  It took her a moment to realize that she was in her own bed chamber and that she was completely nude.  
  
"Morning you!" Sara shouted.  Her voice caused Lydia' head to pound like a sledgehammer.  "Nice of you to join the living yeah?" she said with an impish grin.  She seemed to be wearing Lydia's Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket and nothing else.  The jacket hung loosely on her frame barely covering her backside.  
  
"Oh my god..." Lydia moaned weakly, "How much did we drink?"  
  
Sara smirked, "I dunno how much you drank love.  You were already pretty sloppy when Blackwall took off and you came and joined us.  You and Bull ended up finishing the entire bottle of that Garblog's shite...though I don't know how.  That shit was the shittiest shit that was ever shat out of Andraste's asshole.  After that you and I went out on the roof for awhile and drank a couple bottles of wine."  
  
"And then we came back here?"  
  
"Ha ha ha...you wish yeah?  You were incredible last night Lady Trevelyn," Sara said and handed Lydia a large stupid looking hat.  
  
"Oh my god...this hat...this is Cole's hat!  We do you have Cole's hat?  Did we...you know..."  
  
"HAHAHA!  Oh god no Buckles!  You stole this from him."  
  
"What?  Why would I do that?"  
  
"Do you not remember me telling you that you were already pretty wrecked when you joined us?  By the time you stole his hat you were totally shitfaced," Sara replied, "That's reason enough innit?"  
  
"We have to give it back to him.  Maybe tell him we found it outside or something."  
  
"No, that won't work...he already knows you took it since you shouted, 'I'm stealing your hat!' and took it off his head, put it on your own and ran off with it.  I should probably mention that during your daring escape, that hat was the only thing you were wearing."  
  
"What?!  Where were my clothes?"  
  
"After we drank that roof wine, we went back inside and played Wicked Grace...with Josie, Cole, and a couple others.  I think Krem might have still been around...I dunno though since I was getting a pretty decent buzz by that point.  Anyway you kept betting against Josie even though everyone told you to stop...Josie included yeah?  But you were like, 'Andraste speaks through me...the next hand is going to be a winner!' over and over.  Anyway at one point you bet your clothes against hers...and of course lost and took off everything even though she said you could keep your knickers and that tit thing right?"  
  
"And then I stole Cole's hat and came back here?"  
  
"No, you played a few more hands before you stole his hat."  
  
"What was I betting with if I'd already lost my clothes?"  
  
"You bet my clothes."  
  
"Did I win?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Sorry about that..."  
  
"S'all right.  Everyone there'd already seen my bum a time or two anyway yeah?"  
  
There was a sudden knock at the door and an official sounding voice called out, "Lady Inquisitor, I have pressing news about Warden Blackwall!"  
  
"Come in!" Lydia shouted and wrapped a blanket around herself.  She turned to look at Sara and said, "Blackwall was bumming pretty hard last night about some dead puppy.  You don't think he did anything rash do you?"  
  
"Blackwall?  Nah.  That guy's solid right?"  
  
A rookie guardsman entered the room and saluted, "Milady, Warden Blackwall vanished during the night.  We have already searched his quarters and found naught but an advertisement for an execution in Val Royal.  I have it here if you'd like to take a look."  The rookie handed Lydia the handbill and then saluted, clicked his heels, pivoted and exited the bed chamber.  
  
Lydia studied the handbill a moment and then looked up at Sara and asked, "Did Blackwall strike you as a trial fan?"  
  
"Not really, no."  
  
"The why would he have this?  I don't recognize the name at all.  Do you?" Lydia asked.  
  
"No.  You wanna go to Val Royal and look for Beardo?" Sara asked.  
  
"Yes!  Let's do that!"  
  
\---  
  
"The city...is...so big...so many people...Pain...anguish...he needs help," Cole muttered as they walked through the crowded streets of Val Royal.  
  
"Remind me again why we brought Creepy with us yeah?" Sara asked.  
  
"I stole his hat while drunk and naked remember?" Lydia replied, "He said we'd be even if I brought him to Val Royal."  
  
A moment later Sara, Lydia, and Cole found themselves before a stage for a hanging.  The trial fans of Val Royal were even more enthusiastic than those of the Skyhold Dream Castle with people waving pennants emblazoned with the logos of their favorite legal teams.  From the hanging stage an idiot announcer with one four-thousand thirty-fifths the grace and poise of Josephine shouted out, "FOR THE CRIMES OF TREASON AND THE MURDER OF SOME FRENCH LORD, FRANCIS LOUIS IS SENTENCED TO DEATH!  BY HANGING!!!" and a great cheer went up from the crowd.  
  
"God, I'm starving.  You think they've got one of those meat pie guys here?" Sara asked peering around looking for a vendor of meat pies, "Hangings in Daerim always had guys that sold meat pies.  Really the only reason to go...hey isn't that Blackwall up there?  What's he doing yeah?"  
  
Sure enough Blackwall had climbed up on the stage and was shouting, "This man is innocent.  He was merely a solider following orders.  Orders that I gave..."  
  
The man about to be hanged looked up at Blackwell and mutter, "My god...it is you."  
  
"My name is Tom Riddle, and I am responsible for the murder of some French lord!" Blackwall shouted.  
  
 **To Be Continued...**


	6. Dragon Age – S06E06 – Armin Tamzarian

**Previously on Dragon Age…  
**  
“I did nothing! I ran into my father’s house, closed the door, and did nothing. I could hear the bowl pup crying as those two dickstranglers hit it with sticks and I did nothing.”  
  
"Oh my god...this hat...this is Cole's hat! We do you have Cole's hat? Did we...you know..."  
  
"FOR THE CRIMES OF TREASON AND THE MURDER OF SOME FRENCH LORD, FRANCIS LOUIS IS SENTENCED TO DEATH! BY HANGING!!!"  
  
"My name is Tom Riddle, and I am responsible for the murder of some French lord!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Grease was already covering her lips and fingertips as Sara tore into a meat pie, savoring the gravy and bits of mystery meat contained within the flaky pie crust. A bit of gravy dribbled down her chin as she walked, with another pie wrapped in rough paper and tied with twine, back to where Lydia and Cole stood.

“Oi! Buckles you gotta try this,” she said, offering the wrapped meat pie to her girlfriend, “The meat pies here are so much better than the meat pies they have back in Denerim yeah? You can say what you want about the stupid masks and the slippers and shit but these French gits know how to bake a meat pie!” Sara paused for a moment and glanced around at the chaos that had gripped the execution arena and asked, “What’s going on? What are all these French people yelling about?”

“Sara, they have Blackwall or Tom Riddle…or whatever his name is! He came out and was all like, ‘I’m not really Blackwall, my name is Tom Riddle and I killed some dudes. This man is innocent!’ and then the guards arrested him. His totally in a dungeon now!”

“Brilliant! We’ll go down in the dungeon, kill some Beholders and orcs and whatever and get some fantastic treasures. A compound bow +1 vs. darkspawns would be a right proper thing to find yeah? Maybe we should get someone other than Creepy though before we go yeah? I hear Dorian and Bull enjoy dungeons yeah.”

“Sara, not a treasure dungeon…the regular kind. You know with bars and six months in the hole and boxing tournaments and neo-Nazis,” Lydia replied, “As for Dorian and Bull I think they’re talking about another sort of dungeon altogether.”

“Slightly less brilliant then yeah?” Sara replied, “Guess we should go see about getting him out then yeah? I mean, you are a pretty big deal here now that you saved the Queen’s lovely arse and all.”

“You’re right. Come on, let’s go to the dungeon and see what’s going on with Blackwall, or Tom whatever his name really is.”

\---

Blackwall lounged on his prison cot, not even attempting to tunnel out of his cell or use a rock hammer to bust through the wall while pretending to craft chess pieces. “I suppose you have some questions huh?” Blackwall, or whatever his goddamn name really was said.

“A few…” Lydia replied, “I suppose you could start by telling me what sort of treason you committed.”

“A few years back there was a nobleman here in Orleans named Rob, thought that Gaston, the Duke of Douches, was the rightful emperor. Rob wanted someone to ‘take care’ of some of Selena, Queen of Tejano Music’s supporters. There was good coin in it…and so I sold my sword. I was a captain of a platoon and ordered my men to attack the nobleman and his posse and told them not to let anyone to escape. Soon after our attack Rob died, and Gaston denounced the attack on the nobleman and so I fled like a coward rather than face justice.”

“The guards said you killed women and children.”

“Yes, but I didn’t know that that nobleman would be traveling with his family…” Blackwall said, “Sometimes in war we do things we regret.”

“What about Blackwall? Is there a real Blackwall?”

“There was. He truly was a Warden. He found me after I fled Orleans, offered me a chance to join the Wardens, but before I could undertake the Joining he got killed by darkspawn…trying to protect me. It should have been me who died, but it wasn’t, and without the real Blackwall, the Wardens would have accepted me so I took his identity and went into hiding. I was glad that it was you who found me since you were a Free Marcher and too young to really remember the Blight. It’s why Cullen and Leliana made me nervous. They’d both been in Feldspar during the Blight…knew Wardens…real Wardens. I worried they’d discover I wasn’t really who I said I was.”

“Black…er…Tom, I will help get you out of there if I can,” Lydia said.

“Don’t bother! I’ve accepted my fate. I deserve to be punished for my crimes.”

“But Tom, since I’ve known you, you’ve proven yourself to be a good man, willing to sacrifice yourself for others. Shouldn’t that count for something?”

“I’m not a good man! I ordered my men to kill women and children and then hid as they were executed for the crime of being under my command and obeying orders from their commanding officer!” Blackwall howled. “You want to know a good man? The real Blackwall…that was a good man! He laid down his life for a drunken traitor he hardly knew. Please…leave me.”

“Maybe he saw something in you that you yourself can’t see,” Lydia said and walked away.

Cullen was waiting out in the prison lobby, dressed in his finest, furriest shoulder pads. Lydia cocked her head and looked at him in a somewhat perplexed fashion. “Dude? How the Christ did you get here so quickly Cullen?” she asked.

“Leliana had been looking into Blackwall’s past, and when we found him missing we put two and two together and headed out here figuring he was probably coming here to turn himself in. We left a few hours after you did,” he said, “So what are you going to do about Blackwall…or Tom Riddle?”

“I dunno, Cull…what would you do?”

“I’m not sure. What he did was a royal dick move, but to turn himself in…that takes some courage. I’m sure we can get the Court of Orleans to delay the execution for a bit while you weigh your options. Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, owes you at least that much for saving her ass from the Gaston guy.”

“Alright. Let’s do that then. I guess I’ll see you back at the Skyhold Dream Castle.”

**Commercial Break**

The war room back at the Skyhold Dream Castle was atwitter with talk about Blackwall or Tom Riddle or whatever his name was and also the most recent installment of Varric’s serial, Hard In Hightown.

“I cannot believe Blackwall is really Tom Riddle!” Cullen was exclaiming as Lydia entered.

“Forget that! I can’t believe the captain of the guards had been working with the Dog Lords the entire time!” Josephine bellowed caring not one wit for people who had yet to finish the novella.

"Josie some of us haven’t read it yet! What have we said about spoilers? Leliana shouted in dismay.

Lydia sighed, “Alright enough about the spoiler warnings or whatever. What are we going to do about Blackwall or Tom Riddle or whatever? I’ve been thinking about it, and it seems kind of like a waste for him to get executed. I mean he’s helped us out a lot since he joined us, and it would be a shame to lose him.”

“You do realize he ordered the deaths of a heap of innocent people right?” Cullen said, with disgust in his voice, “I guess if you’re dead set on having a murderer in your ranks I could get a crew together, fight our way into the prison and bust him out.”

Lydia sighed in exasperation and said, “Cullen, you do realize that all of us here…including sweet, innocent Josie, have murdered at least one person right? So you can knock off the, ‘Blackwall’s a shitheap’ act right now okay? That being said your plan is stupid. Leliana, what have you got?”

The bard scratched her chin in thought and said, “Let’s see. We have a prisoner here, with a similar height and build to Blackwall. We could sneak him into the jail and sneak Blackwall out and then set fire to the prison so that the body of the prisoner the assume to be Blackwall cannot be proven to be someone other than Blackwall. Like Theon did with those kids in Game of Thrones so people would think he killed Bran and Smaller Bran.”

Why was this so hard? Lydia grumbled a grumble of annoyance, “No, that’s even stupider than Cullen’s thing. Josephine? Do you have any suggestion that isn’t stupid as shit?”

“Well, the Empress of Orleans was just recently saved from assassins by you Lady Inquisitor, and you played a pretty significant role in ending the civil war that ravaged the country. I am certain that by sending a carefully worded letter we could get Warden Black…emmm…Tom Riddle released to the Inquisition to face judgment here. We would, of course, have to have a trial…”

Lydia clapped. “That right there. Do you two see that? That’s how you solve a problem like how to get one of my inner circle out prison. Thank you Josie. Please send the letter posthaste. Blackwall’s got the best one handed sword right now, and at the very least I want that back. Alright. This was a good meeting. I going up on the roof with my girlfriend eat cookies and make out and don’t want to be bothered unless goddamn Coprophilia sweeps down on our Dream Castle to shoot blasts of wizard beam at us okay? Oh and Cullen…”

“I know…it’s literally eating cookies, not some sort of weird innuendo for lady on lady sex stuff.”

“No, this time it’s totally innuendo. I was just going to tell you to send the wardens out to take care of that darkspawn stuff you got marked down south on that map.”

**Commercial Break**

Lydia sat in her throne looking down at the man she had known these many months as Warden Blackwall. The throne room was surprisingly empty for a trial completely devoid of people save for her, Josephine, Blackwall and a pair of guards. How Josephine had kept news of the trial from the trial fans Lydia had no clue. Those people were better informed about scheduled trials than she was. Usually she found out about them when she was trying to go up to her room and saw Josie standing next to the throne.

“I don’t know if this is really necessary Lady Inquisitor, but for official record keeping purposes I suppose I should. Today Tom Riddle, formerly known as Warden Blackwall stands before us accused of treason and murder and lying to a girl and telling her that he was a Grey Warden before bedding her…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…please strike that from the record. Tom Riddle has been sent to us by the Imperial Court of Orleans for judgment as a favor to you, Lady Inquisitor.”

“Thanks Josephine. Well, this is going to be hard. Tom, I’ve only seen the man you are, not the man you were. I don’t know how or why you ordered your men to kill a dude and his family, but I do know that you’ve fought to keep people safe and have selflessly thrown yourself into danger so that others would not have to.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten me out of prison! I accepted my fate and now you’ve proven that the Inquisition is just as corrupt and vile as every other organization there is!” Tom Riddle shouted.

“Um when were you a guy who cared about corruption in government? That’s Sara’s shtick isn’t it? Anyway it doesn’t matter. I’ve decided to give you your freedom.”

“What?! You’re setting me free? Like I can just walk out that door right now?”

“Hold on…it comes at a cost. For the duration of the Inquisition you will stay with me and fight to fix all the shit that’s all fucked up right now. Consider this your redemption arch Tom Riddle.”

Tom Riddle nodded and the guards uncuffed his hands. He turned and walked out of the room. Lydia looked at Josephine. “Josie did you and Black…er…Tom hook up or something?”

“I’d rather not talk about it Lady Inquisitor. Now if you’ll excuse me I have matters that must be attended to,” Josephine said and quickly exited the room.  Sara would know for certain if those two had boned.  Lydia made a mental note to ask her later as she stood up and headed out of the throne room, catching up to Tom Riddle on the steps. “Tom, wait a second. I wanted to ask you something. What should I call you now?”

“I dunno, I’ve gotten kind of use to being Blackwall. Maybe it could be like a title…an ideal to aspire to. Something to remind me how far I have to go to redeem myself. Kind of like Inquisitor…”

“That’s pretty good then Blackwall. Now, in keeping with the Armin Tamzarian Code of Blessed 8:15, let us never speak of this again!”


	7. Dragon Age - S06E07 - Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo (The Exalted Plains)

"Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo," wooed the Exalted Plains.  
  
Sara plugged her ears with her fingers and frowned. "That woo woo woo shite isn't like the most annoying sound in the entire world or anything now is it?"  
  
From beneath his stupid hat Cole mumbled something unintelligible about, "Beetles crawling. Flesh. Burned. A single teddy bear...forgotten."  
  
"I stand corrected about that 'woo woo woo' shite being the most annoying sound in the world then yeah?" Sara said, "So thanks for that Creepy. Seriously Buckles why is he still here? We took him to Val Royal and I even give him the half a meat pie I dropped on the street yeah? You don't still feel bad about stealing his hat do you? I mean you already gave him his stupid hat back and he saw your tits and arse when you stole it.  If anything I think he owes us favors right?"  
  
Lydia shrugged and mumbled, "I dunno," but Cole went fucking apeshit.  He flailed his arms around like one of those inflatable dancing guys that lived on used car lots and shouted, "You called me 'him.' YOU CALLED ME 'HIM!' Oh thank you Sara. The feelings. Happiness. Ecstasy. Elated. Exuberance.  I would very much like to hug you Sara..."  
  
Sara aacked an "Aack!!" of Cathyian proportions at the flailing scarecrow man that was Cole and quickened her pace away from him.  "Buckles, for serious, why are we even here?  This place is nasty as shit right?  All crows and dead French babies and zombie shits all over the place yeah?"  
  
 _"Cole is talking to me...AACK!"_  
  
"Because Sara, my dear, we are here to kill the Wyvern named Snow White and still her heart so I can make a potion," Vivian said imperiously.  
  
"Snow White?  I knew a wyvern named Snow White back in Denerim yeah?  Maybe it's the same bird.  She worked in The Pearl.  Great rack but a bit of a dolt yeah?  Don't know what would be so special about her heart or what she'd be doing out here with all the zombie and the 'woo woo' shits..."  
  
"Sara, my dear, do you even know what a wyvern is?"  
  
"That's what those elfy elves call themselves innit?  Like 'Don't call me 'elf' shemp...I'm a wyvern.'"  
  
Vivian let out a haughty laugh.  "My dear girl, wyverns are a subspecies of dragons.  The are flightless, but incredibly skilled at jumping and they vomit poison rather than flames."  
  
"Must be a different Snow White then.  That one wasn't really skilled at jumping yeah?" Sara said before nudging Lydia in the ribs and whispering, "She was skilled at some other stuff though right?"  
  
Cole peered out from beneath his stupid hat and said, "Tounge twisting within a...wound?  Moist.  A cry.  A small death.  Pleasure."  
  
Sara turned and shouted, "I swear to Christ!  I will arrow the shit out of you if you don't get out of my head yeah?"  
  
 **Commerical Break  
**  
Up to her thighs in swamp gunk.  The wyvern known as Snow White was undoubtedly out in these vile bogs.  It would take forever to get the swamp stink out of her armor.  Why couldn't a thing she needed to hunt down ever live in a nice temperate forest?  It was always a swamp or a desert or a different desert, or a ice field.  The Hinterlands had been closest, but even they were all burniated and filled with Superman Fortress of Solitude crystal shit.  She shivered as a snake swamp by.  Snakes in the water?  Gross.  
  
"Sara, do you have any idea what effect your relationship with the Inquisitor has on her image?  You've had your fun dear, wouldn't it be best for you to step aside?" Vivian said as the party tromped through the mud and muck of the swamp.  
  
"Vivi, you're a right proper bitch yeah?!  First off it's none of you business what I do with Lydia!  Second of all, since you made it your business, I love her and she makes me happy, and I'm pretty sure I make her happy, so I don't think she really cares about her image as much as you think she does.  And third of all, if you talk about us again like that I will put this swamp covered Converse up your fat arse!"  
  
Lydia smiled and said, "That's really romantic Sara."  
  
"Aw...thanks Buckles!" Sara replied and stuck out her tongue and made a rude noise at Vivian.  
  
"Buckles.  Serious, somber...ready to fight it out.  But they come off, and it's soft underneath..." Cole muttered to no one in particular.  
  
"Dammit Creepy, you ruined it yeah?  Seriously...not another word out of you yeah?"  
  
There was a sudden rumbling in the quagmire and suddenly a wyvern as white as driven snow bound towards them with a mighty leap, barfing green poison barf all over the goddamn place.  It was the biggest, whitest, snowiest wyvern, Lydia had ever seen in her life, but she didn't let if phase her.  She gave a mighty battle cry and charged forward, slamming into the great beast with her shoulder causing Snow White let out a terrible cry.  
  
  
A Wyvern!  
  
In an instant Cole was upon the creature all knives and floppy hats.  His strikes were too fast, too furious.  Lydia wondered how his hat stay on his head.  She had examined it rather carefully when she had had it in her possession and there hadn't seemed to be any sort of ties or straps to affix it.  Another mystery for another day.  For now she had a raging Snow White to deal with.  Poisonous green barf was barfed in Lydia's general area, causing her to gag and dry heave.  But there came a blast, a blast of wizard shit and the great beast collapsed in a heap of being a corpse.  
  
"Well done my dear," Vivian declared, "Now just remove the foul thing's heart and we can be on our way, back to the comfort of Skyhold Dream Castle where I am sure even Sara will desire a bath."  
  
"Sure thing Vivian...you got a plot knife?  I must have left mine back at the Dream Castle and can't very well get a heart out with this goddamn chopper deluxe," Lydia said.  
  
"My dear girl, do I look like the sort who would carry a plot knife.  Ask you paramour, Sara.  I'm quite certain she has one."  
  
Sara scowled, "What did you call me yeah?"  
  
"Paramour.  It means lover..." Vivian sighed, "Seriously Lady Inquisitor, I can arrange a much more suitable match for you, one that would benefit the Inquisition far more than this guttersnipe.  You are aware that Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, is somewhat fond of gentlewomen.  Perhaps you and she might strengthen the ties between Orleans and the Inquisition in the bedchamber."  
  
"Vivian, no.  I love Sara, and that's that."  
  
"Aw Buckles," Sara grin and then stuck her tongue out at Vivian, "I'll have you know, Vivi, that I lost my plot knife when I threw it at some douchebag noble who got on my bad side yeah?  He's dead now by the way...just something to keep in mind right?"  
  
"I HAVE A KNIFE!  TWO ACTUALLY!  NEITHER ARE PLOT KNIVES BUT THEY ARE SHARP AND CAN CUT THE PAIN OUT!" Cole shrieked like a tweenage girl, "YOU COULD USE MY KNIFE!"  He thrust a knife forward as if to stab Lydia, but stopped short, flicked his wrist so that the knife turned and the handle faced Lydia.  She took the knife and offered a word of thanks.  Cole grinned like an idiot and ejaculated, "I'M HELPING!!!!  THAT KNIFE IS NOW A HELPING KNIFE!"  Lydia just nodded and set to work using Cole's "helping knife" to cut Snow White's heart out.  A moment later, her grim task was done and she tried to hand the heart to Vivian.  
  
"Child do you really think I am going to carry that?  Please give it to me once we are back at the Dream Castle.  Come now, let us away from this terrible place!"  
  
As they headed back towards Skyhold, Lydia turned towards Sara, "Sara when we get back to Skyhold how about a round of Sloppy Boss?"  
  
"Sloppy Boss?  Maker preserve us, what horrible form of the amorous congress is that?  No, don't tell me I don't really want to know."  
  
"Oh Buckles...I've got an idea that will make this the best Sloppy Boss ever!"  Sara took a jar of bees from her bag, dumped the bees out and then filled the empty jar with swampfunk and resealed it before returning it to her satchel.  
  
 **Commercial Break**  
  
Vivian's really cool hat was utterly destroyed.  A bucketful of swampfunk that had fallen from on high directly on to her as she had walked up the stairs to her chambers had caused its dual conical forms to crumple in something akin to Cole's really stupid hat.  It mattered little to Vivian though, she had more important things to attend to, namely retrieving Snow White's heart from the Inquisitor.  She looked out from her balcony upon the hustle and bustle of Skyhold and saw mages, Templars, and Wardens.  Feldsparians and Orleansians.  All brought to heel by girl stupid enough to give her "love" freely to some lowborn elf with no political or social influence whatsoever.  Vivian laughed and wondered how a foolish child such as Lydia Trevelyn, a Marcher no less, had come to be one of the most feared and respected players of the Grand Game all while refusing to actually play the Game.  
  
There was the sound of someone clearing their throat and Vivian turned.  She hadn't even needed look to know that it was Lydia Trevelyn standing there, a small stained cloth sack in her hand.  "I have your heart, but I want to know what you need it for," she said.  
  
Silly girl...she would never understand the intricacies of the game.  "As I told you, my dear, a potion.  As to what that potion does, I think it best to show rather than tell in this particular instance.  Come, it is a long way to Val Royal, and I fear that time is somewhat of the essence."  
  
\---  
  
The room smelled of death and decay.  It reminded Lydia of her grandmother's apartments back in Ostwick.  A decrepit old man was sprawled out upon the bed.  It was clear that he was dying and yet he was still dressed in "proper" court attire: pantaloons and stockings, a ruffled shirt, shoes with stupid buckles on them, and a heavily embroidered silk jacket.  Why wasn't he wearing pajamas?  Lydia would wear pajamas everywhere if she could.  Vivian approached the man with a vial of Snow White Potion in hand.  The wizard still hadn't told her what the potion was, but she'd glanced at the alchemy book that had been open on Vivian's chaise lounge and it seemed to be some potion of youth, based on the recipe that she had seen in the text.  
  
"Vivian, mon petit chouchou," the dying man whispered, "You have come."  
  
"Yes Bernard, I'm here.  I've brought the potion.  Here drink this my love."  
  
The old man chugged the Snow White Potion, muttered something in French that Lydia didn't understand and then promptly died.  Lydia's jaw hit the floor.  "Holy shit Vivian...I'm sorry," she said.  
  
"Yes, yes.  Come child, there's nothing here now," the wizardess said and walked for the door.'  
  
Lydia followed after her.  The entire situation was fucked.  Had Vivian just poisoned that guy or what?  Why was she all like, "Okay, done here...let's bounce?"  She had no emotion about the dude dying at all.  Sara had been on the verge of tears after dreaming about her dying and here a dude actually did die and Vivian just walked out.  "Vivian!  Wait up!"  
  
"Hurry child, I'd like to get a new hat to replace the one that some cretinous individual ruined with a bucketful of swampfunk.  If we are quick we can catch the ferry back to Skyhold Dream Castle."  
  
"Umm...are you okay Vivian.  Your...boyfriend...maybe...just died."  
  
"Oh I am going to be too busy to be anything other than okay my dear, but I thank you for your concern."  
  
"If you need any help, Vivian, you know I'm more than willing to give it."  
  
"Of course you are child...of course you are."  
  
 **To Be Continued...**


	8. Dragon Age - S06E08 - Fort Badass III: Snow Fort

A cold wind howled, blowing snow and ice into Lydia’s face as she tromped through Empress Du Lion. She found herself wishing that she had worn shoulder fur of the sort that Cullen was always sporting. At least she had boots. She couldn’t imagine how Sara could endure traipsing about in Converse sneakers that appeared to be held together by duct tape. Maybe she’d take Sara shopping for boots when they got back to Skyhold Dream Castle. She’d probably look good in boots. Lydia shook her head. She needed to focus on the task at hand, not think about her girlfriend in thigh high boots.  
  
"Man this town is royally fucked over,” Cassandra said in a most matter-of-fact manner, “We should do something to help them to prove how awesome the Inquisition really is.”  
  
Lydia had to agree with the Seeker with the incredible haircut and the ass that just wouldn’t quit: the town was indeed royally fucked over. Houses were all smashed up and shit and there was snow and ice everywhere and grandmas who’d lost rings and creeping vines all over everything and there was a general malaise that permeated everything.  
  
“Excuse me are you ze Inquizitor?” a stylish fellow with polished plate armor and a cravat asked, “My name iz Michael De Chapeau…that is pronounced Michelle not Michael by the way. I was once the Champion of Selena, Queen of Tejano Music, but was disgraced and fell from favor and was...how do you say...exiled from Val Royal.”  
  
Sara elbowed Lydia in the ribs and whispered, “I bet something smutty happened between them yeah?  Some sort of nasty highborn shit yeah?  You know about that shite too right?  The nasty shite...”  
  
Lydia smirked and mouthed the word, "Later," but Michael De Chapeau groaned in disgust, clearing having heard what Sara said and continued, “I came here to attempt to restore order to a region in which red templars wreck house on mines and a demon named Call’Me Ishmael has taken over Fort Badass III.”  
  
“FORT BADASS III?! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO?!” Lydia exclaimed before turning to her companions, “Dudes, you know how this goes by now don’t you? We sneak into a fort and wreck house on whatever assholes are inside and then hang up a coolass flag and the fort becomes ours. Alright! REGULATORS…MOUNT UP!!!”  
  
Lydia whistled for her trusty stead and leapt into the saddle of her oversized battle nug and lumbered off into the blizzard that whipped through Empress Du Lion.  
 **  
Commercial Break!**  
  
Sweet battle music blasted and Lydia chopped down another Red Templar. These guys were the absolute worst. Worse than shitty dragons or neon green humanoids or those gross too talls. They were the absolute worst. At least the level music was pretty rad.  
  
  
  
Arrows plunked into the last Red Templar sending his wrecked body crashing to the snowy mountain path. Blood, far redder than it should have been, stained the white snow as the gross Templar breathed his last breath.  
  
“These shits are the worst yeah?” Sara said as she pulled her arrows out of the Templar’s neck. Her lip was split and there were bruises on her face and arms. “I mean we’ve killed dragons and demons and shit like that, but these Templar shits? They don’t play around right? Look at you Buckles, you’re a bloody mess yeah? I mean ‘bloody’ in the real way by the way, not as a replacement for ‘fucking’ you know wut I mean?”  
  
Lydia crammed a wad of tissue up her nostril in an effort to staunch the flow of blood and nodded, “I dob know wub you mean. Come ab, let’s go fight these bastobs…”  
  
A short while later they found themselves standing before Fort Badass III: Snow Fort. Michael De Chapeau was already there trying to wreck house on Red Templar doormen, but the doormen were zrongo strong and pounding on Mike De Chapeau like woah. Lydia chugged a potion so she could talk without an impediment and rushed forward to save the suave, debonair Frenchman from shitty Red Templars.  
  
Chopper Deluxe was sharp as fuck and cleaved the shit out of a heap of Red Templars, but they were hella fast and zrongo strong and were getting in ridiculous cheap shots. From behind her, Lydia heard Sara cry out in pain. With one final blow Lydia cut a Red Templar scumass in half lengthwise and turned to run up on a particularly loathsome Red Templar that was shield bashing her girlfriend in the face.  
  
“GET YOUR GODDAMN SHIELD OUT OF HER FACE!” Lydia screamed as she leapt up and brought Chopper Deluxe crashing down into the shield Red Templar’s stupid head. It exploded like a goddamn watermelon under the mallet of once popular mustache enthusiast Gallagher. Red lyrium chunks and helmet shards flew everywhere. It was gross and possibly even grody, but it was the last goddamn Red Templar.  
  
Michael De Chapeau saluted and declared, “Aw dip! It iz you…ze Inquizitor! Iz good to zee you again my friend non? The demon, Call’Me Ishmael has apparently allied himself with zee Red Templars. I would like to…how do you say…help you, but ze demon has zent other demons to that one town back there. I must go and protect the town. I beg of you my friend, please stop ze demon!”  
  
Lydia sighed, “Alright dude, I guess we’ll take care of Fort Badass III: Snow Fort while you go take care of the lesser demons ‘back in town.’ Regulators? Mount up maybe…”  
  
Dorian and Sara finished chugging potions to unstub their toes and unblack their eyes and then the crew headed into the fortress to regulate. The inside of Fort Badass III: Snow Fort was replete with heaps of Red Templars. They were gross as shit but Lydia and her crew regulated on them like nobody’s business. Lydia, Cassandra, Sara and Dorian wrecked house as they pressed deeper into the snow covered wreck of Fort Badass III: Snow Fort, stompin’ mudholes in Red Templars and walkin’ ‘em dry.  
  
“Hullo what’s this?” Cassandra said looking at a prison cell that housed the corpse of a dead giant. There was Red Lyrium coming out of his wherever. It was nasty. Lydia hated nasty stuff.  
  
“Looks like we found the source of Corprophila’s red lyrium smuggling!” Cassandra said, “I’m sure that Cullen will want to know about this.”  
  
Sara smirked and said, “I’m sure he will yeah? Maybe you the next time you can tell him the next time you and Cullen rub your bits together yeah?”  
  
“Sara! Cullen and I are just good friends!” Cassandra shouted.  
  
Sara laughed and said, “Me and Buckles are just good friends too right? Thick as thieves we are right …and we rub bits together all the time. So you and Cully just being good friends doesn’t mean you’re not rubbing your bits together. I mean I suppose he’s not bad looking as far as blokes go, but…”  
  
Sara’s words were cut short by some sort of rumbling an a bigass giant motherfucker came running all up on. He was covered in a Chewbacca-esque pelt, but was way more giant. It was super obvious that the giant was a dude because his dong was flailing about wildly as he ran all up on. A squad of Templars, red in color, but with dongs thoroughly covered with clothing and steel plated jockstraps, accompanied the giant as he rushed towards Lydia and her friends.  
  
“Christ Jesus!” Lydia shouted, “We’re going to have to FIGHT IT OUT!”  
  
Chopper Deluxe danced and twirled through the Templars and the Giant, cutting foes into chunks of stew meat, but shit was rough going. A giant fist slammed into Lydia’s face, busting open both nostrils in an explosion of blood and a quantity of several arrows pierced her girlfriend. Sara gave out a shout of pain and anger, “You stupid gits! This was my best tank top yeah?”  
  
Lydia hurled Chopper Deluxe through the air. The axe slammed into the jerkass Templar archer chopping the shit out of him. Behind her she heard a terrible roar and looking back saw the giant crash, dong first, into the snow, bleeding profusely out of his wherever. Cassandra stood like a goddamn titan over the dying nudist.  
  
Her friends were all a bloody mess. Goddamn were these Templars rough as hell. She passed around potions to chug and prayed that the demon, Call’Me Ishmael was not much further.  She didn't know how much more of this sort of ownage she could withstand.  
  
 **Commercial Break!**  
  
“Son of a bitch…” Lydia muttered as she looked into the treasure box. It was the worst. She had leapt from rafter to rafter to loot a treasure box only to find it contained nothing more than a stupid knife that no one except stupid Cole would have cared about, and was, more likely than not a worse knife than his “helping knife.” It wasn’t even blue. How many times had she fallen out of the rafters into a pile of beer kegs, or onto Cassandra? She’d lost track, but made it one more time as she tried to make her way back to her friends.  
  
“My dear Lydia, I must say this Fortress lacks a certain je ne sais quoi that your early fortresses possessed,” Dorian said as he quaffed a potion. He was still pretty beat up from the last dick waggling giant that they had tussled with, “I hope we can finish this up quickly and return to Skyhold.”  
  
“I agree Dorian. This place is sucks,” Lydia said, “Fortunately I think we’re just about to the top of this fort. Come on! If we haul ass, maybe we can be home in time for dinner.”  
  
Lydia and her crew scaled up a buttress and found themselves face to face with even more shitty Red Templars, including a red templar that was like 900% red lyrium. It was goddamn disgusting. All crystal jagged edges poking at people. There were Red Templar knights of the code and Red Templar ninjas too trying to wreck house on everyone, but eventually the Inquisition’s prowess proved too much for the shitty Templars and they were left a pile of wrecked shit on top of a buttress of Fort Badass III: Snow Fort.  
  
It was time for the moment of truth…the final showdown with Call’Me Ishmael. Lydia swallowed hard. If the random trash monsters had wrecked house and her and her friends so badly, how ruff and tuff would a demon named Call’Me Ishmael be? With nervous anticipation, Lydia threw open the door and there before her stood a guy in fancy pants with a great mustache.  
  
“Oh hello Inquisitor. It looks like you and your friends killed all the Templars. You are so violent, but you have a choice, for I am a choice spirit!” the demon, Call’Me Ishmael blathered.  
  
“Dude, you’re a goddamn demon and Mike De Chapeau wanted me to kill you, and he seemed a lot less sleazy that you demon!”  
  
Call’Me Ishmael pouted and stopped his foot, shouted, “CHOICE SPIRIT!” and then transformed into a goddamn demon and went on the attack, but he was a chump. Lydia had honed herself into a one woman demon wrecking crew and promptly wrecked house on Call’Me Ishmael, turning him in a heap of demonic choice demon hamburger meat. They had won the day and beat Call’Me Ishmael. There was just one thing left to do, but as Lydia approached the flagpole to raise her sick Inquisition flag, she noticed a dying Red Templar.  
  
"The fuck is going on here guy?” she asked, “Why were you Red Templar assholes working with Call’Me Ishmael?”  
  
"A garden needs a gardener to nurture and grow it. Not too fast…not too slow…just right.”  
  
"So a horticulturist?” Dorian asked, “That’s repulsive.”  
  
Lydia shrugged and was like, “Hurry up and die dude, I’ve got a flag to raise,” and the red templar totally died, and then she raised the flag. It was a flawless victory, except for all the giant induced bloody noses and stubbed toes, and Sara’s bout of archer elbow. As the flag flapped in the breeze Lydia heard a voice call out, “Ah, ze inquizitor…I zee you have zlain ze demon, Call’Me Ishmael. Now without ze demon to keep me occupied, I have nothing to do. Perhaps I could join ze inquizition non?”  
  
The knight of the code, Michael De Chapeau stood before her looking hella cool. Lydia nodded and was all like, “Then welcome aboard Michael De Chapeau!”


	9. Dragon Age - S06E09 - Sovereign Citizens

“Buckles you didn’t need to get these for me yeah?” Sara said as she laced up the thigh high supple leather boots Lydia had crafted for her.  
  
“I know I didn’t, but I wanted to. The thought of you traipsing about in some random snow drift out in Empress Lion in a pair of duct taped Converse…I don’t know, it makes me worried. What if you got frostbite or something?”  
  
Sara laughed, “Aw look at you blushing Buckles…didn’t know you were so into my feet, but thanks. These are a lot nicer than those stupid Converse I was wearing yeah? I’m looking pretty fetch yeah?” She turned slowly motioning toward the boots.  
  
“I think you’d look better in just the boots,” Lydia said with a lewd grin.  
  
“Lady Trevelyn, you are a saucy girl!” Sara exclaimed and began to undo her belt, but her impromptu striptease was unceremoniously interrupted by a series of knocks at the door before it could truly begin. Sara frowned. “It better not be that creepy bard again,” she said with a scowl as she walked towards the door not bothering to redo her belt, “I don’t know how many times I’ve told her, ‘No, I have a girlfriend already and even if I hadn’t, I’d still tell you, ‘no,’ since you’re the second creepiest person here after that Creepy-ass Cole.’”  
  
But when Sara opened the door, it was not a creepy-ass bard, but a charming red-headed bard of Orleans. She bowed ever so slightly and said, “I’m dreadfully sorry to interrupt…um…young love, or whatever is going on in here, but there is something I must bring to your attention Inquisitor. It is a rather pressing matter, elsewise I would have put off informing you of it.”  
  
“What’s the problem Leliana?” Lydia asked.  
  
Leliana began, “Out in the Emerald Graves there is a group calling themselves The Freemen. They’re quote unquote sovereign citizens which pretty much just means they think the laws of the land don’t apply to them except when said laws are in their favor. Anyway they took over a building of ours out in the Emerald Graves and are refusing to leave.”  
  
“That doesn’t sound so bad yeah? I’m all like ‘Sucks to your rules wanker!’ all the time too!” Sara said.  
  
Leliana stuttered, “Uhh, yes you do, don’t you? Uhh…they also said they hate elves, lesbians, and interracial lesbian relationships between elves and humans. Umm…and they hate girls named Sara!”  
  
“Well then, let’s go show those gits what’s for!” Sara shouted, “I teach them to hate my name and/or what Buckles and I were probably just about to do if you hadn’t interrupted us, Leliana!”  
  
 **Commercial Break**  
  
Emerald Graves was lovely, in spite the creepy sounding name. The birds were chirping and nugs and halla were frolicking to and fro. Through this idyllic setting, Lydia, Sara, Cassandra and Dorian battled heaps of demons and Templars jacked up on red lyrium. The sound of body chunks from body horrors hitting the ground was the only thing that ruined the otherwise peaceful atmosphere.  
  
Chopper Deluxe fell silent as the last of the horrible body horrors ruined corpse fell to the lush, green carpet of grass that stretched as far as the eye could see in the Emerald Graves. Lydia looked around and saw a once splendid manor house that had fallen into disrepair. She turned towards Cassandra and asked, “Is this the place?”  
  
Cassandra nodded, “Yes, this is where the so-called Freeman have decided to take their stand against the quote unquote ‘abuses of power propagated against the free men and women of Thedas by the Orleansian Empire and the Inquisition.’”  
  
Sara smirked and asked, “It’s those flags we stick all over the place innit? Like ‘This statue of a dog is ours and shit yeah? That tree that looks like a giant cock…that’s ours too right?’ Bet that’s what pissed them off yeah?”  
  
“No! It’s nothing like that at all!” Cassandra shouted, “They are just loudmouthed malcontents. If it wasn’t your flags it would have been whatever it is that you two do when you go out on the roof that they’d complain about…or the fact that you attitude towards magic is not conservative enough…”  
  
“What?! Eat cookies and recite W poems? Someone would take over a perfectly good house and kill a bunch of servants over a couple of people people eating cookies and reciting W poems? Shite…let’s get these gits!”  
  
Lydia kicked in the door to the manor house and in an instant were attacked by a heap of Freemen. The Freeman were heavily encumbered by all manner of swords and axes and lumbered towards Lydia quite slowly screaming “MAKE THEDAS GREAT AGAIN!!!” Lydia was on them faster than the Champion of Kirkwall on a Danish vagina. Chopper Deluxe danced and sang a song of death as it struck countless tremendous blows against the stupid Freemen still trying to get their swords free from their sword belts.  
  
In the next room, completely oblivious to the battle that had just been fought in the foyer, Lydia heard voices conversing. “So that Commander Guy is here now eh?”  
  
“Yup. Meeting with the Big Boss about some shit right now. You see how gross his face was? HO-LEE-SHEEEEEIT!”  
  
“Commander Guy?” Cassandra asked, “Do you think he could mean Knight Commander Guy de Pantaloons?”  
  
“What would the Templars want with these bozos?” Lydia asked.  
  
“I’m not sure, but I think we should find out don’t you?” Cassandra asked.  
  
Lydia replied by screaming out a battle cry and charging into the two stupid guards who had inadvertently revealed the meeting between the Templars. One of them turned and shouted, “Oooooooh fuuuuuuuudge!!!” Only they didn’t say “fudge.” They said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!  
  
“What did you say?!” Lydia shouted in stunned shock.  
  
The Freeman muttered some “Ums,” and a couple “Uhs,” in reply. “That’s what I thought you said!” Lydia shouted and then chopfucked the shit out of the Freeman. The second Freeman was still struggling with getting his sword free from its scabbard when Sara arrowed the shit out of him.  
  
“Come on dudes, we need to figure out what this meeting is all about,” Lydia said forcefully, “and I know just the place to look. Quickly dudes, to the courtyard!”  
  
 **Commercial Break**  
  
“l am certain that you will find the Freemen of Emerald Graves to be your best value for money as far as hired minions go,” a well mustachioed, fellow heavily encumbered with swords said as he pointed at a Power Point presentation, “Certainly the Carta might be a slightly cheaper initially, but they have been known to make rather careless mistakes that you will end up having to pay for thus making their price lists all but irrelevant, plus they’re goddamn dwarves and you know how horrible they are…”  
  
“Thank you Mister…ummm…Boss was it? I’ve heard enough. I have already decided to offer you the contract, you needed carry on with your projected annual growth charts and whatever else you have in that Power Point,” a craggy voice said. It was a horrible body horror in Templar armor. Lydia thought it safe to assume that it was Guy de Pantaloons.  
  
Red Fuckin’ Templars. The Freemen had allied themselves with the goddamn Red Templars! Lydia couldn’t take it anymore and stood, revealing herself from behind the overlarge potted plant she had been hiding behind. “That’s enough evil business for today!” she shouted, “You might call what’s about to happen a hostile takeover!” She then charged at the Freemen and Templars assembled for the evil business meeting. Body horrors were turned into ground beef and Freemen were freed of their limbs as Lydia’s mighty axe, Chopper Deluxe, chopshitted the fuck out of everyone doing evil business in the courtyard. Soon there were just heaps of dead jerkass all over the place.  
  
“Um I was looking for a handkerchief or something to wipe off some of the blood on my robes, and found this key in that brutish fellow’s pocket,” Dorian said, handing Lydia a key, “It might be nothing, but it might also be not nothing. You may wish to investigate.”  
  
Lydia pocketed the key and thanked Dorian. They would need to look around for more clues as to what the Freemen and Templars were working on together. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to resort to watching a shitty company profile Power Point Presentation and attempting to determine what was going on.  
  
“Have a look around yeah?” Sara asked as she plucked arrows from the corpses of several Templars, “I bet there’s some good stuff in here still yeah?”  
  
Lydia nodded and together with Sara she ransacked the house, finding various swords and knives, a book about sexuality in Thedas that seemed to focus primarily on homosexual relationships (“Let’s keep that one for later eh Buckles?” Sara offered when the book was discovered), and several manifestos written by Mister Boss of the Freemen.  
  
“I wonder what this key is for anyway,” Lydia said aloud, “I don’t see any doors that it would open anyway. GRRR!!” In a fit of anger, Lydia kicked a wall, causing it to crumble into a pile of broken wall, revealing a secret room. “Holy shit…is that…”  
  
“Red lyrium yeah? Heaps of the stuff? Guess those Freemen gits were smuggling it for the Templars.”  
  
“Not anymore. Go get Dorian…we’re blowing this shit up.”  
  
Several minutes later Sara returned to the secret room with Dorian who energized some contraption and caused the red lyrium to be utterly ruined. Also the key he found opened some door where Sara stole some treasure. And thus were the horrible Freemen of Emerald Graves defeated by Lydia, Cassandra, Dorian and Sara!


	10. Dragon Age - S06E10 - Packed Like Sardines...

A lacquered box smashed against the door frame, exploding into a million tiny lacquered shards, as Lydia entered the room.  Furniture had been upended and books and other items lay strewn about on the floor having clearly been thrown earlier in a similar manner to the box that had exploded against the wall as Lydia had entered the room.  In the center of this hurricane of wrecked housewares stood Cullen, howling in a rage, “It’s just so hard!” before punching a goddamn novella in half.  
  
“Cullen! Snap out of it dude! What’s going on? Why are you throwing shit around like a goddamn furry shouldered toddler?” Lydia asked.  
  
Cullen growled, “GRRRRR! It’s just so hard! I’ve seen so much shit! I need a hit of lyrium! Fuck getting clean!”  
  
“Dude…you’ve worked so hard already and have been doing so well.  You don't want to throw that all away do you?” Lydia said, “I know it can’t be easy…god knows that I know how hard the temptation of that sweet, sweet lyrium is to resist, but I trust you Cullen…I care about you. You’re like the strongest dude I know. You really don’t need that shit anymore.”  
  
Cullen sighed, “You’re right. I don’t need it. It’s just sometimes I remember being trapped in a bubble by Hamburger Helper wizards in Feldspar and all that shit with Meredith and the red lyrium back in Kirkwall and I just feel so helpless.”  
  
“This time though you have friends. Well, not Blackwall or Sara, they both think you’re kind of a dick, and I don’t think Dorian likes you much either…and Solas probably hates you, but that guy hates everyone, so don’t feel too bad about that one.  Cole?  Who knows what that guy’s thinking… Uh you have at least one friend…you have me.”  
  
“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” Cullen said, “This may sound a little forward, but I sometimes wish that you weren’t…you know…umm…I mean…if you and…uh…Sara…weren’t…uh…lovers. I like you Lydia…like a lot.”  
  
Lydia smiled, “I like you too Cullen…in a completely platonic way…though perhaps if I didn’t find the idea of dating a man utterly repulsive dating you wouldn’t be so terrible.”  
  
“Thank you Lydia, that means a lot to me. Anyway let’s get back to business!” Cullen said, “Our scouts of uncovered the source of Samson’s red lyrium. We’ve tracked it to a quarry out in Empress Lion that once belonged to Lady Marzipan of Sardinia. If you were to head out there, and smash up everything it would deliver a huge blow to Samson’s operations, and we may even be able to discover what the shit he’s got going on and why he’s hella tough.”  
  
“Samson?” Lydia asked, “That Man Without a Face looking motherfucker? I thought his name was Coprophilia.”  
  
Cullen blinked and opened his mouth but no sound came from it for a moment. “Are you serious? Samson is the leader of the Red Templars. I’m like 9,000% certain that you and I have conversed about him several times already. How much of lyrium are you actually using?”  
  
Lydia shrugged. “Doesn’t even matter C-mang! What matters is there are Red Templars being douchedicks out in Empress Lion. So during the commercial break I’m going to wrangle up a crew and head out there to wreck house on some fucklers.”  
  
**Commercial Break  
**  
“So Solas, I got a question about elfroot,” Blackwall began as he, Lydia, Solas and Sara tromped through the snow covered hills of Empress Lion towards some sort of alleged red lyrium quarry, “Do you elves just call it ‘root’ or what?”  
  
Solas sighed in disgust, “No. We have a different name for it. You have been spending far too much time with Sara.”  
  
Sara laughed and punched Blackwall lightly in the shoulder and shouted, “That was a good one Blackwall.”  
  
Lydia motioned for everyone to be quiet. In the distance she heard voices cry out, “HAAAAALP! HAAAAALP!” Lydia peered over a ridge, down into the valley and saw cages packed full of Sardines. All about them red lyrium chunks were sprouting out of the earth and Red Templars were standing about looking menacing with red lyrium junk growing out of them and big as swords and junk.  
  
“We should probably go down there and wreck house on Templars and save those humanoids and find out what the fuck that Samson guy is up to and shit,” Lydia said and then before anyone in her crew had time to speak, she stood up, screamed, “TIME TO DIE FUCKLERS!!!” and rushed down the slope into the heap of Red Templars below.  
  
She swung her mighty war sword, chopping the ever loving shit out of the dreaded red lyrium enhanced foemen that rushed up upon her with their horrible, shitty bodies screaming stupid shit like, “I WILL GROW A CRYSTAL IN YOUR SKULL!” that probably was supposed to sound scary, but really just sounded like a shit lyric from an 80’s synthpop band. Again and again Lydia chopfucked the shit out of a disgusting body horror sending limbs and other assorted body horror body parts flying through the air, but they were too numerous. Perhaps they would grow a crystal in her skull or fill her ladyparts with red lyrium after all. Why hadn’t she waited for the others to ready their weapons at the least?  
  
Suddenly she heard the sound of shield slamming into face and noticed the man once known as Blackwall then known as Tom Riddle and then known as Blackwall again, shield bashing the fuck out of a Red Templar. He paused briefly to give her a thumbs up which she returned before cutting down a couple more Templar d-bags.  
  
The quarry was soon awash with blood…extra red blood. Heaps of body horror body parts lay strewn about. Again a cry of “HAAAAALP! HAAAAAALP!” came from the cage of Sardines packed like sardines into the cage. Sara was like, “Keep your britches on yeah? I’m good a picking locks and all but it’s not like I can just wiggle my fingers and have the locks pop open right?” A moment later there was a pop as the lock sprung open. Sara raised her arms with a flourish and said, “Ta da!”  
  
The Sardines jumped out of the cage and were all like, “Dudes you saved us! Thanks a ton. Can you put Lady Marzipan on trial for this shit when you get back to your stronghold?”  
  
Lydia nodded and was like, “You got it dude! But first we need to find some evidence about what Samson is up to. It seems like no good.”  
  
The lead Sardine was like, “That big dude you chopped into neat cubes, put a letter with a giant blue clue mark on it in his pocket. Maybe that’s the evidence you’re after. Anyway we’re going back to Sardinia. Smell ya later dude!”  
  
The Sardines ran off back towards Sardinia while Lydia rummaged through the pockets of the largest body horror until she found a letter marked with the distinctive blue paw print of a clue. The letter was pretty much revealed that Samson was growing red lyrium in vaginas and also that he had some kind of invincible armor.  
  
  
_A clue about an evil plan!_  
  
“We should get this back to Cullen posthaste guys,” Lydia said as she waved the evidence about, “Come on! Let’s use the commercial break to get back to the Skyhold Dream Castle.”  
  
**Commercial Break  
**  
“That goddamn son of a bitch Samson has armor of invincibility?!” Cullen shouted, “I’m so angry I could shoot up right now…you’ve…got some lyrium right now don’t you?”  
  
“Dude chillax…we just have to find a way to get him out of the armor. Out of the armor he’s just a regular guy,” Lydia said, “Maybe I could seduce him…wait that wouldn’t work. Sara’s out too…Cassandra? No, probably not. Vivian? She won’t hump someone unless there’s some tangible gain in it for her. Josephine might work…I guess.”  
  
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting Josephine in that sort of situation,” Cullen replied, “There was a woman I knew back in Kirkwall who would have been perfect for this…a pirate. Good with a knife…great tits…I guess maybe we could get Dagna…”  
  
Lydia interrupted, “You want Dagna to try to seduce Samson?! I mean she’s kind of cute, but we’re trying to get a guy to undress in a hurry not reenact a whimsical indie romantic comedy.”  
  
Cullen sighed, “You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say we could get Dagna to devise something we could use to just wreck house on his armor without having anyone try to trick him into hooking up in a sleazy motel and knifing him once his pants are down.”  
  
“That would probably work too,” Lydia said, “Alright. I’ll go talk to Dagna, but maybe write to that pirate with the tits and see if she wants to help out too. I mean even if Dagna’s thing proves to be sufficient it couldn’t hurt to have a pirate with great tits hanging around could it?”  
  
“Not in the least…”  
  
\---  
  
The sound of laughter and cursing emanated from the behind the door of the undercroft. Lydia opened the door and walked in to find Dagna and Bert, the Blacksmith, bouncing flaming balls off a wall.  
  
“What the crap are you two doing?!” Lydia asked in stunned surprise as a flaming ball whizzed past her head.  
  
“Just playing fireball boss!” Bert replied grabbing a flaming ball out of the air with a gauntleted fist and snuffing out the flame, “Anything you need?”  
  
“Actually Dagna, I need you to come up with a way to destroy Samson’s invincible red lyrium armor,” Lydia said.  
  
“Yeah I suppose I could come up with something, but I’ll need some supplies…red lyrium to experiment with, some tools…and of course time,” Dagna said as she removed a pair of gauntlets that had been tinted red and had “Fireball Queen” etched upon them in an elegant script. “The thing is I don’t really know how Samson is still alive. Like if I made you a red lyrium hat and you wore it, you’d be dead within a couple days. Samson’s got a goddamn red lyrium jockstrap and mouth guard and he’s still walking around seemingly no worse for wear. So, yeah I can probably whip up something you can use to wreck house on his armor, but the dude’s still got some other powers going on. I don’t know how much easier it’s going to be to kick his butt it will be without the armor.”  
  
Lydia swallowed hard. Was the young dwarf right? Was Samson some kind of super villain imbued with crazy strength and an ability to withstand red lyrium? If so how would she stop him? And what if she couldn’t stop him? What chance would she have with a goddamn horror like Coprophilia?  
  
**To Be Continued…**  
  
---  
 


	11. Dragon Age - S06E11 - The Hunt For Red Oc-Templar

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN….LET’S GET READY TO ADJUDICATE!!!!!!” Josephine shouted, her voice soaring like an eagle over the roar of the crowd. Lydia’s throne room was packed to the rafters with trial fans eager to see her dispense justice. She looked at Josephine and nodded for the Antivan nerd to start the trial. Lydia hoped it would be an open and shut case and she could get done in time to go up on the roof and watch the sunset with Sara.  
  
Josephine smirked smugly and bellowed, “Tonight’s trial pits Lady Marzipan of Sardinia against the reigning trial champion…LYDIA ‘THE INQUISITOR’ TREVELYN!!!!!”  
  
The crowd of trial fans shouted out in approval as Lady Marzipan was lead into the throne room in shackles and her crimes read aloud. “Lady Marzipan is accused of aiding and abetting the Red Templars by selling them a quarry they used to harvest red lyrium…out of the bodies of several dozen townspeople at least. It should, however, be noted that Lady Marzipan used a portion of the profits derived from the sale to feed and care for the citizens of Sardinia.”  
  
Lydia sighed, “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got to say for yourself Lady Marzipan.”  
  
“It is true that I sold the quarry to the Templars, but I had no notion of what unspeakable horrors they would commit there. I merely thought that by selling the quarry I could bring some prosperity to Sardinia. My only crime is perhaps being too trusting…and I suppose light treason.”  
  
Lydia folded her hands and wondered what Sara was doing. She’d already decided what to do with Lady Marzipan before the trial had even begun, but had learned from past experience that the trial fans loved suspense so if she’d just been like, “Yo, you know how to read? Know how to write? You’re a secretary now…half your paycheck will go to the families of Sardines who died in the quarry,” they would complain that the trial lacked a dramatic flair. So Lydia had taken to daydreaming about doing lewd things with Sara while pretending to be considering how to rule in the case.  
  
After several moments of fantasizing about her girlfriend, Lydia looked up and said, “Lady Marzipan, though your heart was in the right place, your crimes were serious and thus I cannot very well let you go free. I sentence you to work. Lady Marzipan, have you learned your letters? Can you read and write?”  
  
“Of course…”  
  
“Good, then you will serve as a scribe for the Inquisition. For your work you shall be paid the same as our other scribes, but a portion of your salary…let’s say 50%...shall be sent to Sardinia to support the families of those who died in the quarry you sold to the Templars.”  
  
Lady Marzipan shrugged and said, “So I’m stuck here on this rock? C’est la vie non?”  
  
“C’est la vie indeed. Okay, thanks for coming everyone…good trial. See you all at the next one at a date and time yet to be determined,” Lydia said and then stood, and bellowed, “Now I’ve got some sexy stuff to attend to.”  
  
\---  
  
The next morning, Lydia found herself standing in Cullen’s office trying not to yawn. “Cullen, what was so important that it couldn’t wait until…I dunno…this afternoon?” she asked, “I didn’t really sleep well last night.”  
  
“Because of the stress of the job? I get that sometimes too,” Cullen replied, "I find that a simple draught of royal elfroot to be helpful on those nights.  I'm sure that one of the alchemists could prepare one for you."  
  
“No it has nothing to do with work.  I mean being Inquisitor is pretty easy.  All the stressful, soul crushing work is handled by you and your boyz with a z while I get to go punch dragons and wreck house on demons and stuff.  You know, all the cool shit.  Anyway I couldn't sleep because Sara was hor…you know what, never mind…what did you want to discuss?”  
  
“Dagna’s done good work on the red lyrium problem and thinks that with a little more time and information she will be able to wreck house on Samson’s shitty Armor of Invincibility, but she’s hit kind of a wall…so I was looking over those letters you snagged and there was one name that kept coming up. Maddox. Ugh, Maddox.  Never thought I'd hear that name again...”  
  
“Someone else you know?”  
  
“Maddox was a mage in Kirkwall that Samson used to help out. Maddox had a ‘sweetheart’ on the outside and Samson would smuggle love letters out for him, but they got caught. Maddox was made tranquil and Samson was kicked out of the Templars,” Cullen replied, “After he was made tranquil, Maddox kind of made a living by crafting magical shit. I put some men on it and it turns out that Maddox was the one who made Samson’s goddamn Armor of Invincibility.”  
  
“Well, that’s really nice, but it doesn’t really get us any closer to finding Samson,” Lydia said, “So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go back to Sara’s loft and go to back to sleep.”  
  
“Wait! It does get us closer to him. The type of materials Maddox would need to craft and maintain a suit of Armor of Invincibility are pretty hard to come by and require a lot of customs documents to get into a country. We followed the paper trail and we’ve got him! We found Samson! He’s got a fort a little ways north from Val Royal. We can raid it and see if we can find Maddox. If anyone will be able to help us wreck house on Samson it will be that dude!”  
  
“What if Samson is there when we get there?” Lydia asked, “We won’t know how to best his Armor of Invincibility…”  
  
“Huh? Oh don’t worry about that. I’m coming along so I’m pretty certain deus ex machina will be on our side!”  
 **  
Commercial Break  
**  
Flames danced and crackled as bits of a fortress collapsed into them. Besides a handful of Red Templar douchelord defenders, the fortress seemed to be otherwise deserted. Cullen slammed a furry shoulder into a body horror Red Templar and with a smile declared, “See, deus ex machina! Not a Samson to be seen! Come on, I bet that Maddox is inside that building.”  
  
Lydia and her crew…and Cullen fought their way past several more body horror Red Templars and a couple rooms filled with fire until they finally came to a room where a dude dressed in a wizard dress was sprawled out on the floor. His eyes had the vacant faraway look of a wizard made tranquil.  
  
“Maddox I presume,” Lydia said.  
  
“Hello Inquisitor. Hello Cullen.  Hello and the rest.  Samson is not here and you will never find him. He left long ago. The fire? That was my idea. You will never know where he went. Oh also I ate a heap of poisons, so I’ll be dead after you ask me a single question,” the tranquilled mage said tranquilly.  
  
“Why would you help Samson? That dude is creepy as shit!” Lydia blurted out.  
  
“Well, he did me a kindness before, and really is not such a jerkoff once you get to know him,” Maddox replied, “Well, looks like my poison is totally working now. I’ll see you on the flipside. Smell ya later Inquisitor and Cullen and the rest.”  
  
And with that Maddox died. Cullen slammed his hand through a burning novella as was his wont when he was angered. “We need to look around, the fire can’t have destroyed everything. There’s gotta be some clues about as to where Samson went or how we can wreck house on his Armor of Invincibility! Keep your eyes peeled for giant blue paw prints!”  
  
Sara folded her arms under her breasts and said, “You keep your eyes peeled yeah? You got to keep your name at least yeah? I was just ‘and the rest.’ Don’t know if I like being an ‘and the rest…’”  
  
“Fine!” Cullen shouted, “I’ll look myself. Hey look at this…bottles of lyrium…licked clean!”  
  
“Gotta be in a bad way to lick that shit straight out of the bottle…” Iron Bull muttered, but Cullen paid him little attention and merely continued ransacking the burning wreck of a fortress.  
  
“Oh, look at this thing!” Cullen shouted, “It’s a letter from Samson to me! Dear Culligan…Something about Coprophilia…some shit about ‘You’ll never beat me,’ something about a pirate captain with huge tits back in Kirkwall that we knew, ‘remember that time you and I went to the Blooming Onion and you hooked up with that Serendipity chick? Did you know,’…this stupid letter. Ramblings of a madman…”  
  
Cullen put the letter in his pocket and continued sifting through the burning rubble. He pushed a bunch of stuff off a desk like he was going to fuck someone atop it and paused for there, beneath the burning wrecking of a decidedly not badass fort was an overlarge blue paw print. It was a clue! A goddamn clue! “AH HA!” Cullen ejaculated, “Look at these things…whatever they are. These must be exactly what we were looking for.”  
  
 _A clue!_  
  
Dorian buried his face in his palms and muttered, “Well, you are not completely incorrect. Those are translateral instigators.” Dorian paused and looked around the room noticing that all present had a look of confuse etched upon their faces, save for Maddox, of course, who was a mage...and also totally dead,  “They are um…tools for lack of a better word…tools with which a mage can craft magical items. They are incredibly rare and would be worth a fortune on E-bay. Undoubtedly these particular tools were used by your friend Maddox to craft Samson’s Armor of Invincibility. I suppose if we were to bring them back to Dagna, she could use them to craft something with which we could destroy Samson’s armor.”  
  
“Fucking awesome! Dorian I could kiss you mang!” Cullen shouted before realizing what he had said, “But…uh…I’m not going to because that would be…completely unprofessional…and against Inquisition policy.”  
  
“What?!  Since when is kissing coworkers against company policy?!  Those two make out all the time!  They’re kissing right now! Look!” Dorian shouted, pointing at Sara and Lydia, who were, true to his word, making out rather passionately amidst the smoldering wreckage of the non-badass fortress of Samson.  
  
Lydia and Sara broken their embrace and Lydia turned to see everyone staring at her. “What?” she asked.  
  
“Nothing,” Cullen said, “We got what we came for. Let’s get the shit out of here!”  
  
“Wait dude!” Lydia shouted, “We should do something with that Maddox dude. Give him a legit burial, not just leave him in here to get burned to ash by crumbling fort. I mean you’ve seen how Tranquil are…they really don’t know how to take care of themselves. They’re like little kids…”  
  
“Alright...I’ll send the meat wagon to come pick him up. We’ll bury him the right way okay?”  
  
“Okay!”  
  
 **Commercial Break  
**  
“So that’s the end of that chapter!” Cullen said, “Good job Lady Inquisitor!”  
  
Lydia smiled.  “Dude, don’t sell yourself short, you did like…47% of the work.”  
  
“I did, didn’t I?” Cullen said and leaned back in his office chair with a smug look of self satisfaction on his face. “Anyway, Dagna looked at Maddox’s tools and was able to whip something real nice up. I think you’ll like it. Dagna! You can come in here now.”  
  
The door opened and the adorable dwarf artificer, Dagna, entered, carrying with her what appeared to be a commemorative plate. “Hi Miss Lydia. I just wanted to thank you for those awesome translateral instigators! I mean I’ve had a lot of great stuff at my disposal since joining the Inquisition, but to get a set of instigators to use…wow! I mean saw a set of them once, back when I was a novice in the Tower of Wizard Shit back in Feldspar, but that was just for a minute…and I never got to touch them, but now? I have a set in my tool box! SQUEE! Uh..sorrow…I just…um… thanks again!”  
  
Cullen sighed, “Dagna that’s good enough…just tell her what you were able to come up with.”  
  
“Oh right…sorry. I just get a little carried away sometimes. I mean this shit is soooooo coooool! But anyway, I was able to use the instigators to fashion this commemorative plate out of red lyrium and some other ingredients. See that Templar logo there? That’s the red lyrium…anyway with this you should be able to wreck house on Samson’s Armor of Invincibility.”  
  
Cullen pounded his fists into the desk causing Dagna and Lydia, both, to startle. A shit-eating grin appeared upon his face as he declared, “Hot diggity damn! We’ve got him! His fort is fucked over and his lyrium supply smashed and now we’ve got this hot ass plate that we can use to wreck house on his Armor of Invincibility. Every day more and more recruits stream in to the Skyhold Dream Castle, looking to join up…former Templars among them. It’s awesome. Anyway thanks for helping me with this Lydia. I’ll put together a strike force of my baddest badasses to wreck house on Samson. Just let me know when you’re ready to go.”  
  
“Okay let’s go now.”  
  
“What? I mean…I’d like to go now, but it’s going to take some time to chose the baddest badasses…”  
  
“No it isn’t. It’s easy. Bull, Sara, Dorian and me…maybe switch out Bull for Cassandra. I say Blackwall would work too, but I know you kind of hate him.”  
  
Cullen laughed nervously, “Well…we don’t actually know precisely where Samson is right now, so it would be foolish to send out a party if we don’t even know where they need to go.”  
  
“I suppose you’re right Cullen. Anyway good work dude. You too Dagna. This plate is really pretty,” Lydia said, “Anyway if we’re all done here I’ve got a basket of rose petals to throw off a roof with Sara. Smell you later dudes.”  
  
Lydia strolled out of Cullen’s office leaving the former Templar and the dwarven artificer alone. Dagna looked at him and asked, “Is she always like that? I only see here a couple times a week when she comes into the undercroft and then she’s pretty much all business. You know, tinting armor and pulling grip tape off swords she doesn’t need anymore? Seems super focused…but today? I dunno. She seemed kind of out of it.”  
  
“I suppose love does that to a person…” Cullen said, “God why couldn’t she get that way because of me Dagna?”  
  
“Oh my god…you like Miss Lydia?” Dagna sputtered, her jaw slack with shock.  
  
“Yes…”  
  
"Oh my god."  
  
 **End Credits  
**


	12. Dragon Age - S06E12 - The Magic Mirror

Morning had come to the Skyhold Dream Castle and once again the grounds were beginning to stir as veterans headed off to The New & Improved Monks Diner for big salads and other edibles and rookies practiced their katas out on the training grounds. Lydia made her way past them all and headed up the stairs into the Skyhold Dream Castle.  
  
She had quarters within the castle proper but since she and Sara had begun dating Lydia had more or less taken up residence with Sara in her loft above the brew pub much to the chagrin of Vivian who was quickly proving herself to be as irksome as Lydia's own mother in the way she attempted to manage Lydia's personal affairs.  
  
Lydia made her way to the war room, pausing only briefly to sign autographs for a pair of hardcore trial fans who had taken up residence in the throne room. When she entered the room she found Cullen seated alone sipping coffee from a paper cup. He glanced up at the sound of the door closing, smiled and greeted her.  
  
"Morning Inquisitor. Have you broken your fast yet? I have coffee and crullers for us. Here," he said as he handed Lydia a paper cup.  
  
"Uh thanks Cullen. I haven't actually eaten yet. Josephine and Leliana haven't arrived yet I take it."  
  
"No not yet, but that's good. There was actually something I wanted to ask you about and would prefer to do so without an audience," the one time Templar replied.  
  
"Oh? About lyrium? You're not using again are you?"  
  
Cullen laughed nervously, "No not at all. I haven't even thought about using lyrium at all since we last talked about it. That's actually kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. You saw me at my lowest and still treated me with kindness and respect. The entire time I've known you, you've been supportive and encouraging, and I...I think...I think I love you."  
  
Lydia's jaw dropped, but before she could say anything in reply the door to the war room opened and Josephine, Leliana, and Sideboob strolled in.  
  
"Gooood morning!" the Antivan nerd said enthusiastically.  
  
"Oh good, you're both here already," Leliana said, "Let's get started then shall we? You've really wrecked house on Coprophilia and his forces, depriving him of mages, Grey Wardens, demons and Frenchmen and I heard that just yesterday you cut off the Red Templars from their red lyrium supply."  
  
Lydia blushed somewhat. Why did everyone act like she did everything? The only thing she really did on her own was closing neon green sky tears and even that was only possible because Dorian and Sara and Bull wrecked house on demons while she shot her neon green hand beam at the tears.  
  
"I didn't do any of those things alone you know," she said, "We all had a hand in wrecking house on Coprophilia. I mean busting up that red lyrium ring was pretty much C-mang's gig."  
  
"Be that as it may we have reason to believe that Coprophilia is on the move, taking what remains of his forces towards some ancient elven ruins south of Val Royal," Leliana said.  
  
Sideboob interjected, "Tis an ancient place filled where artifacts of ages past may still be hidden."  
  
"Coprophilia has used elven artifacts before so we have reason to believe he may be after an artifact hidden within the ruins," Cullen said.  
  
"What sort of artifact?" Lydia asked.  
  
The witch of the wilds smiled and said, "Perhaps it twould be better I show you. Come Lady Inquisitor."  
  
 **Commercial break**  
  
The mirror did not reflect Lydia's image in the manner of a normal mirror but instead the reflected image was one of a strange twirling mist that seemed almost alive.  
  
"What is this?" Lydia asked the scantily clad witch of the wilds, trying hard not to stare too obviously at her bosoms.  
  
"An eluvian. In more common language tis a magic mirror. I believe that it is a mirror of this sort that Coprophilia seeks in the Ruins of What Pride Has Wrought for with a mirror such as this he could enter the Fade in the Flesh and bring about the ruination of all."  
  
Lydia stared at the dancing mists in the mirror. She didn't understand how something as simple as a magic mirror could cause so much trouble. "I don't get it," Lydia said, "It's just a mirror that reflects must. How can Coprophilia use this to enter the Fade in the flesh and wreck house on everything?"  
  
Sideboob smiled at her and said, "Come. Tis easier to show you," before stepping into the mirror and vanishing from sight.  
  
Lydia swallowed hard and stepped into the dancing mists after her. In an instant the storage closet of the Skyhold Dream Castle was replaced by a strange, alien landscape of oddly skeletal trees and dozens of other eluvians.  
  
"What is this place?" she asked, "It's beautiful in a weird sort of way."  
  
"A nexus of sorts. A place that all eluvians lead. From here one can travel to other places in Thedas...or the Fade...or even realms beyond the Fade. Other worlds beyond our own."  
  
"Where does that one go?" Lydia asked pointing at a nearby mirror.  
  
"Uh...tis a portal to uh...an apartment in Kirkwall where some Danish elf lady and a Feldsparian woman kiss a lot... As I said, worlds beyond our own!"  
  
"I dunno. Making out with an elf lady in the Free Marches isn't that far removed from my own life," Lydia replied, "Why are some of the mirrors dark?"  
  
"Tis because the mirror on the other end is either broken or turned off. Tis why we must hurry. There are few working eluvians that still remain within Thedas. Should Coprophilia reach the eluvian in the Ruins of What Pride Has Wrought there will be naught to stop him from entering the Fade in the flesh and wrecking house on everything. I believe we have spent enough time here. Come, you have a final confrontation to prepare for."  
  
The witch of the wilds turned and walked back into the dancing mists of the mirror and vanished from sight. Lydia knew Sideboob was right: the final confrontation was rapidly approaching, and Lydia worried for all of Thedas, but more than that she worried about Sara.  
  
She looked back at the mirror that lead to an apartment in Kirkwall and silently said a prayer to the Maker to let her and Sara make it through the days and weeks to come so that they too could live out their days together in a flat somewhere in Val Royal or the Free Marches without having to worry about demons or darkspawn or anything else. She closed her eyes and stepped back through the mirror into the utility closet in Skyhold Dream Castle.  
  
 **Commercial break**  
  
Lydia had returned to the war room to find her advisors at each other's throats.  
  
"We don't have enough time to march on the ruins!" Cullen was shouting as Lydia entered.  
  
"And I told you a dozen times that without your soldiers there's little my scouts can do against an army like Coprophilia's," Leliana replied.  
  
"Guys guys guys! That's enough! If we're going to beat this jerkoff we're going to have to work together. I don't need you at each other's throats about this kind of bullshit," Lydia said, "Josie, I want you to send pigeons to our allies in the region. They should be able to muster their troops quick enough to assist Leliana's scouts while Cullen marches the rest of the army down to the ruins. Leliana send your fastest scouts. Harangue Coprophilia's troops, but stay out of head to head combat if you can. Burn camps or wreck supply depots. Steal horses...that kind of thing. Cullen get your men and women down there as quick as possible, but don't push them or the horses too hard. They won't be any use to anyone if they get there in two days but are two exhausted to fight."  
  
Cullen nodded approvingly and said, "It's a good plan. Anything else malady?"  
  
"Just know that whatever happens it has been an honor and a privilege to know you. I couldn't have done any of this without you...any of you. Your advice and guidance has helped to turn this idea of an Inquisition into something really great. I couldn't have asked for better advisors."  
  
"And we could not have asked for a better leader milady," Cullen said and saluted, "Now let's get out there and kick Coprophilia's dick so hard it comes out his ass!"  
  
As the credits rolled a sweet montage played showing Josephine send pigeons to Frenchmen, Leliana's scouts burning up camps, and Cullen and his crew on the march. It was too sweet.  
  
 **To Be Continued...**  
  
 **Director's Commentary:** Phoned this one in, so if the format of this is fucked or it makes even less sense than usual that's the reason.  The PS4 edition arrived at my house so after the close of what pride has wrought I'll switch over to that version with hella DLCs to punch and junk.  Yay!


	13. Dragon Age - S06E13 - What Pride Has Wrought

An explosion boomed a short distance away from the forward camp causing colorful birds to take to the wing in flight.The fighting was going to be bad.Many good men and women would die before Coprophilia's shit got completely and utterly ruined.Lydia just hoped Sara wasn't among them.She'd wanted to leave her back at Skyhold but Sara had insisted on coming.

"Inquisitor reports are coming in from the frontline.Scouts place Coprophilia himself at the site of the explosion," a scout said as she saluted.

"Tis time we take the field then," Sideboob said, "We must reach the Temple ruins and the eluvian before Coprophilia does."

"You are accompanying us then?" Lydia said, "Leliana told me you have a son.  The fighting is going to be pretty bad.  What of him should anything happen to you?"

Sideboob smirked and replied, "You remind me of a woman I once called friend.  She too wished to keep me out of harms way in a final battle because of my son.  I assure you, Lady Inquisitor, your concern is appreciated but I am quite capable of handling myself.I am a dangerous apostate after all.Come we mustn't delay."

Lydia nodded."Alright, just give me a moment.Go find Solas and Cassandra and tell them to get ready to go."

Sideboob curtsied though Lydia couldn't be sure if the woman was being sarcastic or not.Lydia crossed the camp back to her own tent and opened the flaps to enter.Sara was seat on the floor trimming arrow fletchings but looked up as Lydia entered.   "Oi Buckles it's time to go then innit?" she said with a rakish grin.

"Sara, I don't know if I want you to come," Lydia said, "What if something happens to you?"

"What if something happens to me?Okay let's say I stay here and something happens to you yeah?What then?You said that you and me...us...that's the reason why you do all this stupid demon shite right?That's what you told me remember?" Sara said with tears in her eyes.

Lydia felt her cheeks grow warm as tears rolled down them."I...I do."

"Then let me come yeah?I know you're trying to protect me or something yeah?Don't.If something terrible happens to either of us isn't it better to at least have those last moments together?I don't want to be stuck here waiting and worrying about whether you're okay or not while you're out there fighting creepy Coproshittya and whatever bullshit Fade spiders he's going to throw at you yeah?"

"Sara I have no idea what to say."

"'Sara, I want you to come with me,' is a good start yeah?And then maybe 'I love you,' would be nice."

Lydia laughed and wiped away her tears and said, "I love you Sara and want you to come with me.From here on out whatever I have to face I want you to be by my side."

Sara smirked, "You should probably kiss me now yeah?"

Lydia embraced Sara and touched her lips to hers.Tongues touched and Sara ran her hands through Lydia's hair.She thought Sara tasted of berries.Lydia never wanted it to end but finally she and Sara's kiss came to an end.

"Come on Buckles, we've got an evil magical asshole to stop yeah?"

** Commercial Break **

The fighting was worse than Lydia had anticipated.The Red Templars were still fucking jacked up in spite of her and Cullen's recent red lyrium bust.To make matters worse the Templars were accompanied by Grey Wardens who had apparently not been freed from Coprophilia's kung fu grip when Lydia had fought the Fade with Beezus and Stroud.

"Can you feel it?The magic of this place...tis remarkable," Sideboob said.

"Feels creepy...like someone is looking at me in my knickers you know whut I mean yeah?" Sara said.

"Sara does this place elicit no sense of awe?" Solas asked, "For thousands of years this place was revered by our people.Does that mean nothing to you?" Solas asked in disgust.

"No Solas," Sara said and then, in a mocking mimicry of Solas' voice, added, "'A thousand years of elven culture and heritage,' didn't count for shit when I was living on the streets in an alienage yeah?The magic of this place never kept my stomach full or my bones warm you know whut I mean?"

Lydia thought she heard someone moving in the distance and motioned to the others to shut the hell up.She crept forward and peered through some shrubs.There in a clearly she saw a small encampment of Red Templars.They would be able to catch the Templars unaware and wreck house on them pretty easily.Lydia motioned to her crew but before the could engage the Templars arrows from on high began to rain down upon them.The sound of battle drew the attention of the Red Templars in the camp.They readied their weapons and pressed forward towards Lydia and her party.

"Cassandra!Sideboob!Take care of those archers.Sara you and Solas are with me!We gotta stop those Templars before they hulk up!" Lydia shouted.

Sara loosed a volley of arrows at the Templars as Lydia charged forward trusting that none of Sara's arrows would inadvertently hit her in the back.Lydia raised Chopper Deluxe and with a yell brought the replica elven blade crashing down into the dome of a body horror of a Red Templar.

As the fiend collapsed in a heap of being dead another charged forward to take its place, but before it reached Lydia a blast of ice encased it.Lydia smirked and dashed forward, slamming the pommel of her sword into the frozen chunk of body horror.There was an explosion of crystalline shards as the fiend's body shattered.

As the icy shards of body chunks clattered to the ground Lydia heard Cassandra call out from behind her, "Elves?!The archers were elves!"

"It seems we have discovered the reason why so few travelers survive these woods," Solas said smugly.God was he annoying!For the first time since meeting her Lydia found herself wishing that Sara knew anything about her ancestors culture and history so they could have left Solas back at the Dream Castle.

"Whatever dude.We still have some kind of ruins to find and a magic mirror to turn off or steal or break or whatever," Lydia said, "Let's bust a move."

** Commercial Break **

** **

How many Red Templar body horrors had they chopped into tiny chunklets?Lydia had lost count.How many of her own soldiers had met a similar fate at the hands of Coprophilia's army?The butcher's bill for the Arbor Wilds would grow before the day was through and Lydia hoped that it wasn't the Inquisition that ended up paying the bulk of it.

Up ahead she saw it looming: the ruins of the Temple of Mythral.If Sideboob was correct the eluvian magic mirror deal would be somewhere inside.  The sound of combat was already audible as Lydia and her fellows climbed up onto a ruined wall overlooking the temple below.  The Temple itself was on an island with a long stonework bridge leading to it.  From the ruined wall, Lydia watched  as a group of Red Templars got their shit ruined by some elves on a bridge leading into the Temple of Mythral proper.Suddenly a screech echoed through the Wilds as a dragon soared overhead heralding that goddamn asshole, Coprophilia's arrival.

The Man Without a Face headed directly to the bridge."Step aside elf," he said dismissively, "You are powerless to stop me from reaching the Well of Sorrows."

"Well of Sorrows?The fuck is that?I thought you said he wanted some sort of mirror," Lydia whispered to Sideboob, "Are they the same thing?"

The witch merely shrugged in reply.

Down below the elves turned on an anti-asshole defense unit and retreated to the Temple.  Coprophilia merely smirked and walked into the laser blast machine and exploded, turning into a heap  of shitty hamburger helper meat that totally wrecked house on the elves' laster blast machine.

"Ho shit!  Those elfy-elves just killed Coprotittyshit!" Sara exclaimed as the original Davinter suckbag's body chunks smoldered all over the bridge. 

But their time to celebrate did not last long, for down below, the remainder of Coprophilia's crew headed across the bridge, past their dead boss and the broken laser blast machine and into the Temple.

"Wait a second!  That's Samson!" Cassandra shouted as she pointed out a particularly greasy, grimy looking Red Templar, "I recognize him from my investigation in Kirkwall."

"That's convenient that you know that, because I don't think I ever actually saw Samson before.  It would be hella weird if I somehow knew it was him in spite having never actually seen him," Lydia replied, "We probably don't want to let those jerks get one of those magic mirrors anyway so let's try and stop them.   Maybe we can kill that Samson asshole too and wrap this entire thing up in a nice package.  Come on!"

Lydia climbed down off the wall and headed towards the bridge when suddenly from behind her there came a terrible cry.  It was all like "ARRRRROUUUUUUUHH!" and made the hair on the nape of her neck stand up.  Lydia turned and saw the corpse of a once possessed Grey Warden, barf up a power puke of black slime and then, the corpse barfed up Coprophilia himself.

"Aw hells no!" Cassandra shouted.

"Quick!  We gotta get to the Temple!" Lydia shouted, "Regulators!  MOUNT UP!!!"

She and her party ran the length of the bridge as Coprophilia glided after them.  He was gaining on them.  If they could just get to the doors of the temple, get inside, and shut the doors they'd be safe.  She could hear the terrible cry on Coprophilia's archdemon dragon thing overhead.  They were almost to the doors.  Dammit why was Solas so slow?  They busted into the Temple and pushed the oversized doors shut with a BOOM! just moments before Coprohilia slammed into them.  They were safe...or at least as safe as they could be in the magical ruins of an ancient elven temple, locked inside with Red Templars and murder elves...


	14. Dragon Age – S06E14 – What Pride Has Wrought II: Pridelectric Boogaloo

“Coprophilia wants a Well of Sorrows? You told me he was after one of those mirror deals!” Lydia shouted, her voice echoing through the vestibule of the ruined Temple of Mythral, “Do you even know what a Well of Sorrows is?”  
  
Sideboob, the onetime witch of the wilds, shrugged and said, “I said that I thought it would be an eluvian that he sought. Apparently I was incorrect. As for what the Well of Sorrows, I must confess that not even I have heard of such an artifact.”  
  
Behind them, the elven jerkass, Solas snorted derisively and said, “Perhaps you are not so knowledgeable as you claim to be witch.”  
  
Sideboob opened her mouth to offer up some snarky reply, but before the first sarcastic syllable was issued forth, Lydia interjected, “Shut it Solas. Samson and some other Red Templars are still creeping about in here, and I don’t know how long these door will hold Coprophilia out there, so we’ve got better shit to do than snipe at each other. Come on, let’s make a move. Maybe we can wreck house on the Templars and find out what this well thing is.”  
  
The party set off, deeper into the temple grounds. As they walked towards the temple, Sideboob explained that the temple was dedicated to Mythral, a benevolent mother figure deity…who was also depicted as a vengeful goddess of retribution. “Perhaps she was not a single entity, but rather several individuals who in time came to be known as a single divine being,” she said as they walked.  
  
Solas again scoffed, “You give legend and myth the same weight as history witch.”  
  
“Seriously, get a room you two!” Lydia said.  
  
Sara nudged Lydia and with a laugh said, “I bet Solas would be a lot less of an insufferable git if he got laid yeah?”  
  
Solas glared at Sara and scowled, “I’ll have you know, not that it’s any concern of yours, that I am saving myself for a proper elven lass. Our people are a dying breed Sara and some of us see the continuation of the elven race as a sacred duty. I will not shirk my obligation and disgrace our ancestors in the same fashion as you Sara, by laying with a human…one of the same gender no less!”  
  
“Oh you so need to get laid. You shouldn’t use words like ‘duty’ or ‘obligation’ when you’re talking about rubbing bits together Solas…” Sara laughed, but she suddenly stopped and moaned, “Ewwww! It looks like those elfy elves got to this one,” as she pointed her foot towards the ruined corpse of a Red Templar sprawled out on a staircase, his guts a disgusting smear upon the stone.  
  
“We should be careful,” Lydia said before pausing. Before them stood a big stone chunk of elf stuff. It looked pretty important, like a critical plot point. Beyond the big stone chunk was a doorway that glowed with magic shit. There would be no convincing Sara to attempt to jimmy the lock. “Sideboob…or Solas I guess, do you know what this says? It seems pretty important.”  
  
The witch of the wilds examined the stone before saying, “Tis a form of elven most ancient. I can make out but a little. There is reference to a ‘vessel of sadness’ which I can only assume to be the Well of Sorrows, and something about a ritual.”  
  
“’To enter the Temple one must complete the ritual and follow in the footsteps of those who came before,’” Solas said, “Though rather vague I believe that in order to progress any further you must complete a push puzzle of some sort.”  
  
“Buckles do we have to do this yeah? Rituals in ancient ruins usually mean demons and magic shits,” Sara said, not even attempting to conceal her disgust at the idea of doing a push puzzle ritual, “Besides push puzzles are pretty much the worst.”  
  
Cassandra nodded, “I agree with Sara. I do not like the idea of partaking in rituals we do not understand. There must be another way into the temple as I do not see any other Templars out here aside from that dead one over there.”  
  
“Perhaps the Templars completed the ritual to advance?” Solas offered.  
  
Sideboob smirked, “Yes, perhaps they did. I can think of no other way to proceed that will not take hours or days even. By that time the Templars ahead of us will have surely reached the Well of Sorrows and captured it for Coprophilia. We must undertake the ritual to proceed with haste!”  
  
Lydia sighed. Sideboob and Solas were right. There was no better way to get past the magically sealed door into the Temple. She stepped to the big stone chunk of elf stuff and began to walk on the tiles that surrounded it, causing them to light up as she completed the puzzle ritual. Occasionally she stepped on the wrong tile and caused the lights to vanish. Lydia would swear under her breath and begin the ritual anew. Finally after what seemed like hours, the ritual was completed and the once sealed magical door popped open.  
  
  
  
Sara frowned at her as Lydia stepped down from the ritual stage. Lydia looked down, “I’m sorry Sara. No more rituals…I promise.”  
  
“You better Buckles, or I will be very angry with you yeah?” Sara said before adding, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry yeah?”  
  
**Commercial Break  
**  
_KABOOOOOOOM!_ The explosion ripped through the temple and caused Lydia’s teeth to shake and her loins to tremble in the way that they did when Sara did that one thing with her tongue and her pinkie finger. Up ahead a party of Templars, led by that balding doucheshit, Samson, had blasted a hole in the floor with some sort of red lyrium enhanced wizard shit. One of the Templars turned and noticed Lydia and her crew standing in the doorway and tugged on Samson’s sleeve to get his attention.  
  
“Oh if it isn’t the Shitquisitor! You’re too late to stop us. Soon the Well of Sorrows will be ours and Coprophilia will be even more unstoppable!” Samson taunted, “Anyway, I’m a busy mini-boss, so I’m going to leave now down into the hole while a heap of my minions fight you. I’ll pretend to be surprised that you were somehow able to best them when you and I have a final showdown in a bit alright? Toodle-loo!”  
  
And with that Samson jumped down into the hole with his crew, while a heap of Red Templar archers popped out of the shadows and started shooting arrows at Lydia and her friends. It was fucked. Royally fucked. But Sara was a better archer than red lyrium junkies and arrowed the shit out of the disgusting foes before they had a chance to wreck house on Lydia and her crew. The Templars all fell down in a pile of death and corpses and Lydia yelled, “Come on dudes! We gotta jump into the hole to stop this goddamn fucklers!”  
  
Sideboob, however, was all like, “Uh, actually before you do that we need to talk…in private.”  
  
Sara glared at Sideboob and hissed, “Keep your mitts off her yeah? Buckles is mine right!”  
  
Sideboob laughed at her, “I can think of nothing I would like less to do than to take your paramour from you. I merely wish to speak with her.”  
  
“Just talking okay then yeah? You saw what I can do with a bow, so no funny shite right?”  
  
Sideboob nodded and together with Lydia, walked a short distance from the smoldering hole. “I was not entirely honest with you before. I could understand far more of that stone chunk of elf writing than I revealed. It revealed that those who follow the path of the Followers of Mythral can find the Well of Sorrows and obtain from it great power, but said power comes at a cost, though what that cost is was not precisely specified. Perhaps we should continue these rituals and obtain the power within the Well of Sorrows. Coprophilia seeks this power, would it not be better for us to obtain it first?”  
  
“It’s going to be more puzzle rituals and shit. I promised Sara I wouldn’t do any more rituals, and besides we really just need to go stop Samson and those other jackoffs from getting to the Well, and the fastest way to do that is to jump down into that hole and wreck house on them. So come on, let’s go.”  
  
“But…but…but…power!”  
  
Lydia shrugged and jumped down into the hole. Cassandra and Sara followed close behind her with Sideboob and Solas jumping down somewhat more reluctantly. Almost immediately Red Templars tried to bust Lydia and her posse up, but they were no match for how hella tough Lydia’s crew was. The Templars all were killed in a horribly violent fashion with blood and gore all over the place. Somewhere in a world far beyond the Fade, George R.R. Martin popped a violence boner at the thought of what happened in that temple to those Templars.  
  
More and more death and destruction was meted out by the Inquisition as they battled through the temple, coming at long last to a big ass room. As they crossed the expanse Lydia said, “This is pretty weird…I feel like we are being watched.”  
  
Suddenly some Danish archers appeared behind them as if by magic and up on a balcony another Danish dude with sick face tats appeared. He was crazy pissed off, “My name is Arliss and these are the Sentinels! For millennia we have protected this sacred place from outsiders. For ages we slept until this day when foul invaders awoke us from our slumber, but you…you seem different from them. You have the mark of magic upon you and you travel with two of our own. Speak! What is your relation to the other invaders?”  
  
Lydia replied, “They are my foes. They just want your Well of Sorrows deal. I’m just here to stop them. For reals dude I don’t want any more weird old timey magic shit to happen to me okay? I already got this stupid thing on my hand and I walked around in the Fade and saw hella spiders. I just want to chop up Samson and bounce.”  
  
“I fear I do not believe you,” Arliss said, “And so I shall destroy the Well of Sorrows rather than let you or the others drink of it, taking in something you do not understand.”  
  
Arliss turned and headed for the door, but Sideboob shouted, “NO!” and transmogrified into a crow and flew up to the balcony and past Arliss through the door.  
  
“KILL THEM ALL!” Arliss shouted and the archers started shooting. These archers were no joke, since like Sara they too were elves and thus knew all her best tricks. The fighting was totally gross with several arrows coming dangerously close to vital parts of Lydia’s body, but Cassandra really brought her A game to the fight and soon there was a heap of dead ancient elves all over the place.  
  
**Commercial Break**  
  
“WHAT A WASTE! ALL THESE YEARS AND SO MANY DEAD JUST LIKE THAT! YOU COULD HAVE TRIED SOMETHING ELSE SO WE DIDN’T NEED TO KILL THEM!” Solas screamed.  
  
“Try something else before or after they started shooting arrows at us? It was us or them dude. Us or them…and they made the choice, not me,” Lydia said. God was Solas an annoying douchebag. Lydia would be glad when they were out of this stupid temple and back in the Skyhold Dream Castle.  
  
“I suppose you are right,” Solas said glumly, “We should perhaps try to stop that witch from doing something rash and foolhardy.”  
  
For once Solas was right so Lydia and her party fought their way past more ancient elves and shitty body horror Red Templars through the mazelike halls and corridors of the temple.  
  
“These elfy elves sure don’t make getting from one place to another easy do they yeah?” Sara asked as they wandered back through a corridor they had undoubtedly traversed several times already.  
  
Finally though they found their way through the temple, out into a lovely garden at the center of which stood a large pool. Samson and a couple of his cronies were making their way towards the pool when Lydia called out, “HEY DOUCHEDICK! REMEMBER ME!”  
  
Samson was a smug asshole, “I see my minions failed. I guess I’ll have to take care you myself. Just one more thing I’ll do for Coprophilia. First I was the General for his army, and now I’m going to be the vessel for the Well of Sorrows. I suppose I can add killing you to that list!”  
  
“Wait! What do you mean vessel?” Lydia asked.  
  
“Well, since I’m a mini-boss and clearly going to kill you without fail in a minute I suppose plot dumping all over you won’t hurt,” Samson said, “The Well is a depository of knowledge…beyond what you can possibly comprehend. I am going to absorb it, and because of my red lyrium, I’ve got a photographic memory, so I’ll remember everything perfectly and then give all that knowledge to my main man, Coprophilia. And now it’s time to die! Don’t even bother trying to wreck house on my because I’ve got this sweetass Armor of Invincibility.”  
  
“Yeah I know all about your armor. We talked to Maddox before he died. He gave his life for you, you know?” Lydia said.  
  
“Then he died a hero to the cause! I shall dedicate my wrecking of your shit to Maddox’s memory.”  
  
“Yeah about that. We talked to Maddox and figured out some shit about that armor of yours dude,” Lydia said and whipped out the commemorative plate that Danga had crafted and held it aloft. Samson collapsed as his armor was rendered completely useless. “Turns out whatever is done can be undone,” Lydia said with a grin.  
  
“MY ARMOR! YOU BROKE IT! OH YOU ARE GONNA DIE!” Samson said and then went on the attack.  
  
Lydia was glad that she had destroyed his armor, because even without it, the dude was no joke. He was going apeshit, wrecking house on everything in his path and Lydia found herself wondering how a lyrium junkie from Kirkwall was more mighty then the quarter dozen dragons she and her friends had faced.  
  
As the battle progressed, Samson grew into a giant body horror and threw all sort of gross shit off his body. Also he had a big swing that wrecked house as badly as Lydia’s own big swing. It was not awesome. Lydia lost track of how many potions she had quaffed during the battle but they paid off and with one last swing from her replica elven Chopper Deluxe, Samson collapsed in a heap of…NOT BEING DEAD?!  
  
“What the fuck? He’s still breathing!” Cassandra exclaimed.  
  
“Alright, I guess we’ll have to bring him back to Skyhold for a trial,” Lydia said with a sigh, “The trial fans are going to fucking lose their minds. I can see the handbills now…’TRIAL OF THE AGE! SAMSON VS. LYDIA ‘INQUISITOR’ TREVELYN!!!’ Anyway looks like we totally stopped all this shit from going down. Good job team.”  
  
At that moment Arliss showed up, “Yo thanks for stopping that dickbag, but I’m still going to destroy this Well of Sorrows. You shems don’t realize what it even is. Everyone who served Mythral ever in the history of all the evers, upon their death, came here and gave their knowledge to the Well for those who came after. It is our entire history…and thus must not be corrupted!”  
  
“Dude do you think that by keeping it here, away from your people that it’s preserving it? You Sentinels will all die off in time and then what? This well will sit here, forgotten forever,” Lydia said, “You can do so much more with it.”  
  
“What, help lost elves like him or her?” Arliss asked pointing at Solas and Sara, “They are too far gone to be helped. For fucks sake that one…she even smells like a shembalan! I’ve made up my mind…totally going to wreck house on this Well of Sorrows. Kindly show yourselves out of our temple.”  
  
Arliss headed towards the Well but suddenly fell, landing on the ground with a plot dagger buried deep in his back. Sideboob stood over him, a wicked grin upon her face.  
  
“FUCK WHY DID YOU KILL THAT GUY! HE WAS SO AWESOME!” Solas screamed.  
  
“There are so few things in this world that remain connecting us to our past. I could not let this fool destroy such an artifact,” Sideboob replied, “I fear we have little time, one of us must absorb the power of the Well before Coprophilia arrives, and he certainly will soon. I volunteer to do so, since I’m the best trained for this kind of shit. Oh and by the way, check that out…there’s an eluvian out in the middle of that pool, so I guess I wasn’t totally wrong.”  
  
Lydia shrugged, “I guess not, but that’s beside the point. What kind of training could you possibly have to prepare you for this? You yourself said that you had no idea what a Well of Sorrows even was at the top of the hour…”  
  
“Well who do you recommend then? That elf? Yourself?”  
  
“Well no, I’m sure as hell not going to do it. Guys what do you think?”  
  
Cassandra shrugged, “I don’t know if I like the idea of this at all.”  
  
Sara was like, “Buckles, for real, don’t go in there okay. Let Titty McWitch over there take a swim okay?”  
  
Solas looked fucking pissed as he muttered, “Whatever…you know she’s totally going to betray us in the final act right?”  
  
Lydia sighed, her friends were no help really, but Sara didn’t want her to go in so she wasn’t going to. “Sideboob you go in, but you better not betray us okay!”  
  
Sideboob stepped into the pool and there was a flash of light and all the water exploded all over the place.  Lydia rushed to where the witch of the wilds lay at the bottom of the pool.  She was still for a moment before she stood slowly and said, “Hvad fanden skete der? Er jeg taler flydende dansk nu?”  
  
"Is that Danish yeah?" Sara asked.  
  
"Old Danish..." Solas said angrily.  
  
“Uh Sideboob are you okay?” Lydia asked.  
  
“Yes…I will be fine, it’s just…I know everything now. All this knowledge has entered my mind at once. It will take a while for me to make sense of it all, but I am otherwise fine,” she replied.  
  
Lydia asked, “What about that curse? The price you must pay…from that stone.”  
  
“Perhaps it was nothing. Something to scare of those who would do as I have done,” Sideboob answered, “But what is not nothing is that there. That is Coprophilia, looking angry and flying towards us over here, so everyone into the eluvian post-haste. We shall be able to close it as soon as we enter, leaving it useless to him. Quickly now.”  
  
Everyone rushed into the glowing mirror and as Coprophilia landed the dancing mists ceased to exist leaving behind a mirror of plain glass. The shitty looking former magistrate howled in impotent rage, and suddenly a human form rose from the Well of Sorrows…  
  
**End Credits  
**


End file.
